I Hate These Entries

You know the ones that get all introspective and rambling? Yeah, I tend to tune out when I read those kinds of entries. Unfortunately sometimes I need to write them though, because it’s kinda like puking when you’re way too drunk: you’re filled with a certain amount of self-loathing over it, and it’s kinda disgustng, but it clears you out so that you can feel better, pick yourself up, and move on.

I took 2 nights of last week, left the city all by myself and hit the Sunshine Coast, which is just across an inlet and it’s where a lot of hippie-style people tend to make their home. Sunshine Coast or Salt Spring Island. Anyways, I went to the Sunshine Coast and stayed in a hostel for two nights to clear my mind. The trip was fantastic and I came home feeling lifted of my past, which was a great thing to do, but now I’m consumed with the present.

I keep questioning everything I do, and I feel completely directionless and lost in terms of where I’m going with my personal relationships. With my lovers I have a fear of both getting too attached and of having someone get attached to me – both of which are fears that are messing with two relationships I currently have going! I’ve also found that I have a fear of intimacy with people in general. I’ve had two friends ask to cuddle me over the last 24 hours and I’ve felt uncomfortable in both situations. I’m also questioning how open I am with my friends – I didn’t used to talk this much, and I’m much more honest and open right now. But am I perhaps too open? I’ve been talking about shit I should be – business ideas, gossip, personal life. I know this is what it takes to build a good friendship, but are all these people my friends? And should even friends know that kind of stuff about me? And are all the people I’m telling this shit to actually my friends? Or do I just see them as much? Or am I just stoned when I talk about this stuff with them?

On top of that I’ve also noticed that I have an issue with power positions – being on top or on the bottom. With me I always have to be on top, no excuses. Unless I get tired or lazy. With women (or “female bodied people”) I tend to have issues with controlling who’s on top and who’s on the bottom. I can tell who I have respect for and who I trust, because I let them top me. I am generally the top when I bring people home, and there are really only 2 people I can think of who I trust to top me right.

I ache to have someone top me. I ache to submit to someone I trust. I haven’t gotten laid in the way I’ve needed it in a couple of weeks now, and it’s beginning to bother me again. Before that person (the drag king) it had been a couple of months (the older chick I was seeing over the summer). I had someone top me on Saturday night, but I just felt uncomfortable, and despite the fact that it was consensual I felt violated and unhappy. I almost think I should just be celibate, if the pent up sexual energy wouldn’t kill me (which it would).

On the one hand I want to just settle down with Andrea, one of the girls i’m seeing, and just agree to be her girlfriend, which I know she wants. I know this would make it easier because I wouldn’t have to constantly be on the prowl for ass and I could just focus on one person, with a few side projects, instead of chasing tail all over the place. But the thought of it scares me, I panic, and I want to run away. I seriously freak out when I consider committing to her, and I can’t do it. But should I stop seeing her because I’m leading her on, or should I just keep taking it day by day and keeping it where it’s at (which I know I can do).

So on the other hand I have remaining single and staying a bachelor. I have a few options on this:

1. I can chase tail and try to keep it as casual as possible, disposing of people before either of us gets attached and never finding emotional satisfaction in the sex I have (which could still be great). This takes a lot of time and money though, because hitting events around town to meet people costs money, and charming the pants off someone who you really wanna get with but who you gotta convince a bit costs money too.

2. I can keep it where I’m kinda at right now and pursue the concept of just being polyamourous and having more than one relationship, but having relationships which mean something and which are ongoing. I really like this set-up for the balance of being casual sex partners yet having something intellectual/emotional and having the friendship aspect to it. The problem with this set-up is that generally one person is more attached than the other, feelings will be hurt when it ends, and there’s the fear of ending up in a relationship. Also, the longer it goes on the more work I find it is to maintain it.

3. I could try to end all relationships I have now, stop actively chasing tail and just take what comes to me on a one night stand basis, and make a conscious efford to be somewhat hermitted so that I can focus more intensely on both my work projects and my schooling. This would be the most logical decision in terms of actually getting shit done that I need to get done and also for putting my full efforts into things that will really matter in the long run on paper.

To be honest, I want it all. I want lots of hot, intense, passionate, dirty sex. I want love. I want independence. I want money. I want education. I want creativity. I want stability. I just want to be able to be myself in a safe environment, whatever form that takes for my specific individuality – but I don’t even know where that’s at.

To be honest, I think I could use a solid month on the Sunshine Coast.