How Do You Trust When You Can’t Find It?

So, Andrea… She ended up getting pretty close to me, then I firmly shot her down a couple of weeks ago, and then now we’re seeing each other again.  It’s not a relationship and I won’t let it be one, but she’s already hurt me.

I like her, and I like spending time with her and being able to talk to her, but I really need to remember to keep my guard up.  She knows about my large-scale plans, and she basically told me today that she doesn’t think they’ll work.  Now, while some people might think of this as constructive criticism or a personal opinion, I happen to take it as a personal affront.

My business plans are my entire drive and focus at this point in my life.  I live to achieve what I believe in, and I have very definite aims with what I want to do with my life.  I won’t get into them, because that’s a bit too confidential to put out there on the internet, but it’s a big fuckin’ deal to me.  And this person has just said that they don’t believe in it.  Someone who I had opened up to and who I felt that I could trust.  I don’t think she knows how hard I’m taking it and I don’t particularly care to let her know – it’s just another reminder to me that when you’re seeing people it doesn’t mean you can trust them.

My life recently got much more interesting – suddenly I have all this action going on, and it’s kinda fucking with my head.  But I like being kept on my toes and forced to stay sharp.  This is part of why I think being single is a good thing – there’s so much to learn, so much to develop in each person.

I’ve found that I go for lovers who challenge me, people who fight back either verbally, physically, or both.  I have a date scheduled for Friday with someone who is taking every opportunity possible to challenge me in wits online.  This same person was flirting with 3 girls simultaneously on Saturday – but so was I, and so were a few other people.  It’s weird for me to be meeting people who treat sex and relationships the same way I do.

I smoke a lot of weed… and cigarettes… this past weekend I did blow again, which was an experience because a couple times I did it in front of two mostly straight-edge friends.

My goal for the first week of the new year is lofty or ambitious, or perhaps both:  I’d like to quit smoking, cut out caffeine, cut out sugar (ALL sugar – this means most foods), eat organic, and stop smoking dope (this is the part I don’t think I can do).  All for just one week.  Just to try it and see what happens to me.  I wonder how bad the withdrawal would be…