Porn Habits & Sexual Attractions

It’s amazing how much I’ve opened up in terms of my sexuality over the last 6 months or so.  Like… mind-blowing.  I thought that I was liberal and open before, but I’m at a whole new level now and still going.  I think I’ll keep going for quite some time, actually.  It’s fucking mental.

Yesterday I had a lover (a kinky, dykey, sexual and sensual lover) I’ve been seeing for some time now ask me what kind of porn I watch, and for once in my life I told the actual truth.  Not only had I never told anyone before, I had never written about it, mentioned it, referenced it, or in any way indicated to anyone what kind of porn I secretly watch when there’s no one around.  But now that I’ve spoken about it and gotten a reaction that was encouraging instead of destructive, I feel incredibly affirmed about my sexuality… again!

When downloading porn with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends I was always about the girl-on-girl action.  Chasey Lain is a hottie, and I think Jenna’s an absolute bombshell sex goddess.  I like that porn, and it’s nice to watch, but it’s very mainstream and I personally I actually find it quite boring most of the time because it doesn’t get me off.  It’s got its good moments, and sometimes they get a little freakier, but it hardly ever deviates from regular hetero or fake lesbian vanilla sex.  When I’m alone, and I get a good chunk of time where I know I can download a fair amount of porn I tend to get some very different stuff.  Anyone ever heard of BangBus?  How about Backroom Facials?  It’s the same guys who make both sets of movies, and they’re really bad.  The bad part is that they’re not faking – they actually exploit women, and they treat them like absolute shit.  They usually lure them in with the promise of money, then fuck them really rough and abusively, doing pretty much exactly whatever the chicks say they’re not into while abusing them verbally, and then throw them out on the street without any of the promised money.

One of the reasons why I’ve never told anyone about this, and why I’ve put so much effort into hiding the fact that I’m into this stuff (I delete the porns when I’m done with them and re-download them again the next time I need them… plus I delete my downloads history when I get them), is because I’m an equality activist and feminist.  I have this deep-seeded resentment towards men, and I’m not sure where it stems from.  I have male friends, a couple of them quite close, and I’ve got two brothers I love very much, but when it comes to the topic of men in general I tend to make some pretty derogatory comments, and I usually get this feeling in my throat and gut that just makes me clench up inside.  I hate how men in general tend to treat women – as if we’re objects, toys here for their pleasure.  It makes me feel vicious inside, and it’s part of where my sadistic domme tendencies come from.  I enjoy dominating women as well, because I like the power aspect of it, but if/when I can find a man who can really take some serious abuse I know that I’ll be able to just absolutely beat the shit out of him.  I could see it getting pretty… violent.

And yet I have this attraction to this style of porn that’s so incredibly forceful and derogatory towards women.  And it turns me on.  And the thought of being treated that way somehow turns me on.  I can’t see myself ever letting a man treat me that way though – I would definitely fight back, for real and not for play.  I would be very upset by it if a man treated me like that.  But the thought of a woman doing it to me… Incredibly erotic.

And this got me to thinking about what it is that I fantasize about, specifically what it is that I masturbate to.  This is something that I have never discussed with anyone, so ya’ll can feel special to be the first ones.

I know through pop culture (tv, radio, movies) and through conversations with other people that most people seem to think about a specific person or visual when they maturbate, which is one of the reasons why I’ve never discussed my fantasies – they’re not like that.  Not at all.  I have rarely, very very very rarely, masturbated to the thought of a specific person.  I used to do it for about a month or two a couple years back, but it didn’t really work for me, so I went back to my usual thing, which mostly consists of thinking about bondage, force, and/or domination situations.  This is not anything new by any means – one of my first masturbation fantasies which I had for years and just recently remembered involves a situation I observed when I was about 6 years old.

I was sitting on the playground at recess, reading my Babysitters Club book when I heard this girl kinda play-screaming but laughing at the same time, so I looked up.  And I saw this girl, just a bit older than me, being handcuffed to one of the railings on this short set of steps up to the kindergarten rooms.  She and the boy who was handcuffing her were both laughing, and he was leading her around by this pair of cuffs for a bit.  I got incredibly aroused, and I masturbated to that visual of this girl getting handcuffed for years afterwards, only in my fantasies it was the same girl and the same boy, but she struggled and he had to use force and would handcuff her to various things, depending on where I wanted the fantasy to go with it at any given time.  (Sidebar: I’ve been masturbating as long as I can remember.  One of my earliest memories is of getting busted masturbating in the living room when I was about 2 years old and being told that "good girls don’t do that").

These days when I masturbate (a rare occasion due to my hectic life and general laziness) I usually think of the porn I watch, the secret ones.  Sometimes I vary them up a little and throw in some new verbal stuff or some new things for the girls to dislike, but it always involves force, struggle, and domination.

Another thing that occurs to me is my lack of sexual attraction to appearance.  I’m not sure if this is more a recent thing, or a life thing, but either way it’s a thing I have.  Just because I think someone is "traditionally" hot doesn’t mean that I wanna fuck them, and just because I wanna fuck someone does not mean that they’re "traditionally" hot.  This is another thing that I have never discussed with anyone because again it’s something that I notice I deviate from society in.

Most people wanna fuck someone like, say… Jessica Simpson.  That’s a good example.  See, I think she’s hot – she’s totally hot!  Look at her body, it’s fucking perfect!  And she’s got those eyes where you just know that if you fucked her really hard she could get pretty rowdy… But that does not mean that I’d want to fuck her.  I do think she’s smokin’ hot, totally.  But not fuckable.  Before I fuck someone it’s ideal for me to have a good solid conversation with them (again, ideal does not mean necessary).  I get off on good conversation and excellent chemistry.  Big time.  It makes me really incredibly wet to have a deep, personal, sexual conversation.

My ex never understood why I was so insisten

t on pursuing Jason, the guy I cheated on her with.  I told her that I thought that he was hot, but she took that to mean that I just thought he was good looking and couldn’t grasp why I cheated on her with someone I was only physically attracted to.  And whenever I would tell her that I wanted to fuck him because we hit it off, she didn’t get it.  Not one little bit.  But that’s because she and I never had conversations like Jason and I did.  Jason and I still have those conversations, and we’re still going to hook up – despite the fact that I prefer women.  Why?  Because we click and because our conversations make me so incredibly fucking wet!

I can talk to Jason for hours about sex.  And politics.  And ourselves, our lives, our preferences, our relationships with others, our fears, our insecurities.  We’ve always had this really unusual connection where we could talk about anything together and just be really open without the fear that we would be judged (we have never passed judgement on each other for anything), and when we get together and have these conversations the chemistry is incredible.  And granted, the guy is in pretty good shape, but I mostly just consider that to be the finishing touch on the package.  Sense of humour, intelligence, a passion for sex, a desire for variety and trying new things… These are the things that I mostly dig about Jason, and that’s what so many people don’t understand.  But it’s the perfect example of exactly what I look for in people, and it frustrates me that so many people think that sex is about looks when it’s totally not!  Sex is about being turned on, and being turned on starts in your mind, so how the fuck could good conversation not fit into that?  In order for my clit to be stimulated my mind must be first.

North American sex culture frustrates the fuck out of me, can you tell?  Between the feeling of shame that I felt about my fantasies for so long, my repression of my own kinky desires, and this odd connection between physical and sexual, I have felt unsatisfied for a very long time.  It’s only now that I’m starting to feel free.

Do you ever feel like people have come into your life who will change how you think about things forever?  I feel that way about the lover I mentioned at the start – she has influenced me in some very profound ways, and I’m so thrilled to even have gotten as much out of my relationship with her as I have.