11/19/2013

i haven’t smoked weed in over a week.

i’m 25.

i bought a single serving pour over coffee thing. i dropped my classes this semester but i’m registered for next semester. turns out i didn’t need anything i was taking this semester, which totally blows my mind considering i spoke to a counselor and she navigated me towards the classes i registered for. i’m signed up for almost full time next semester and i will hopefully be allowed to take about 15 hours when it’s all said and done.

i stopped seeing mark. i haven’t had dreams i remember in months (probably because of the weed), and go figure my first dream was about mark. it isn’t easy to stay away from him. seeing him at works reminds me of having sex with him and i want to be having sex with him. when i’m tempted, i scroll to his most recent text that says, "on second thought, you’re a great girl with a fine ass and a sweet pussy but you’re not worth the crazy. later sugar tits."

25. 25. 25.

i woke up yesterday thinking, "in ten years i’ll be 35, and fuck, i better have more of my shit together by then."

i am still seeing bryce and things are even keel and relaxed, though we did hit a small bump this weekend. his ex girlfriend and one of his best friends hooked up over the weekend. abbey and bryce broke up in january but he’s brought her up several times. no foul because i talk openly sometimes about alan; there’s nothing wrong with talking about exes as long as everyone is over everything. he was bent about what happened between the two of them, and it sounded to me like he was still hung up on her. i’m still not sure. it’s a complicated situation and it doesn’t help that abbey runs around in his circle of friends and they hooked up two months ago.

it’ll work out the way it’s supposed to. we went for a five hour canoe paddle outside of town saturday, we’re seeing a show next weekend, we’re going camping the first weekend of december. we grilled steaks to celebrate my birthday and he bought me a bottle of wine and gave me a sweet card that said he was excited for the future. i am both hesitant and excited because i like him and i like spending time with him, but i don’t know how sustainable it is. i don’t know if we have enough in common. i don’t know if he is enough of a challenge for me. the sex is good and getting better and i love waking  up in his bed after falling asleep on his porch that overlooks downtown. i like that there are options with bryce. i like that he is kind and stable. i like that he pays for things when we go out. i like that he makes decisions and likes to be in control. i like his blue eyes and soft skin and his bike building hobby. he encourages me to finish school but he isn’t pushy. he is logical and practical where i am not.

not smoking weed has forced me to process a lot of things. the most forefront thought i have is alan. i think about alan so much. i don’t want to get back with him at all, but the guilt has sunk in and if i linger on it, i feel weighed down and i can’t believe i ended things the way i did. he’s blocked me from everything and it’s definitely for the best, but i found myself at his doorstep yesterday in the middle of the afternoon. i knocked three times and his car was there but the door was locked and he didn’t answer. i don’t know if he was home and i don’t know what i would’ve said to him had he answered. i don’t want to apologize because that is worthless and i am only sorry for cheating on him. i can’t empathize with him because i can’t imagine how terribly i hurt him. i think i would just want him to know that i know what i did was incredibly shitty and i have to live with it. i miss alan as my best friend. i miss the trail runs and the day trips and the food talks. i miss singing along while he played the guitar. if i allow myself to really feel, i miss the amazing sex, the love notes, the way he knew me.

but i don’t linger on it often because i ended things for a reason. he was stagnant and i was stagnant too and i needed change. it was time.

brad came into town this weekend and took me to dinner saturday and toasted me, telling me how proud of me he was. he told me that he was most proud of me learning from my mistakes, which means a lot. i put so much effort into not making the same mistakes and it’s nice someone noticed.

life is good. i was worried i’d have a breakdown on my birthday but there was no reason to. i’m 25. my life is so good and even when i think it’s not, i am constantly reminded that it is.