06/27/2013

i charged my battery to pour out this drunken entry. apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors. i’m struggling over here.

what’s it like to get something you never thought you’d have?

anticlimactic but good.

i remember john. beautiful. dark hair, dark beard, blue eyes. i remember him from heath’s 41st birthday. i remember wanting to catch his eye.

so when i’m tasting wine in the hill country with john today and he’s spilling his heart out to me about everything ever in his life and he leans in for a kiss tonight, i know.

i come home and stare at myself in the mirror for five minutes. me? are you serious? me with my thinner face, my pretty legs in my short dress, my bones slightly protruding on my chest, my short hair. me? this is my life? this is one of the most beautiful men i’ve ever seen in my life talking to me? courting me?

i don’t know, and it’s the same feeling when a table leaves a number or the guys at work tell me how beautiful i am. it’s new and different and i can’t imagine having this at any other point in my life and i am so grateful

so grateful that i have this chance to be beautiful. i know it’s fleeting. i know it will pass. i know that somedays it is changing faster than i wish it did. but this is now and i love it.

thank you, thank you, thank you. i will be forever gracious to you, karma.

ps — i’d like to come back as a tree or a cow that lives in a winery. thanks 🙂