05/10/2013

i haven’t written here in forever. that doesn’t mean i’m not writing; i’ve scribbled ideas on the backs of magazines, on court papers, on my fridge notepad. everywhere.

it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. i was arrested at the beginning of april, i have my first court date on friday, i had a tom sighting, alan and i broke up and got back together a million times, heath was run over by the girl he dated.

i’m working two jobs and loving both of them. i’m meeting new people and life has been good, even though april was brutal.

i’ll start with the legal stuff. i was pulled over for aggressive driving (i do drive aggressively but i don’t think i was at this particular point), and when the cop pulled me over he smelled weed and arrested me for a gram of pot. he didn’t give me a citation for the traffic violation which means he probably didn’t need to pull me over, but i hope i can get the charge dismissed. i don’t want be on probation simply because i don’t have the time to deal with that stupid shit. especially over a gram of weed. that was probably the worst day of my life. no one in the prison system does anything. if you’re wondering where your tax dollars are being spent, i can assure you it’s nothing progressive or helpful. it’s cops who bully inmates, you’re paying for people to stand around and take as long as possible to do the simplest tasks. it was infuriating and stupid. i know i fucked up, but seriously. i’ve had to deal with my mom and chris nagging me about not smoking pot while they drink heavily and argue. i don’t really think a bowl a day is a big deal. i think we’re stuck in a fucked up mindset that makes getting in your car incredibly intoxicated socially acceptable. alcoholism is completely socially acceptable. smoking weed isn’t. especially not in texas.

i saw tom at fiesta. i saw him in almost the exact spot i saw him two years ago. he’s dating a short, plump, dark haired girl. she wasn’t what i expected him to be with, but i didn’t really know him very well, i guess. i’m much prettier and that made me feel both happy and sad for myself. he didn’t see me and i’m torn about that, too. i wish he would’ve seen me, but we wouldn’t have spoken. my heart literally stopped when i saw him. he’s thinner and i wanted to jump up and prove to him that i’m more beautiful than i was, more put together than i was.

i’m writing this all after the fact. the initial things i wrote were longing and pitiful and heavy. i feel more detached and i’ve already dealt with the emotions.

i don’t know where to begin with alan. i wish i could’ve written it all here and i suppose i could, but we’ve moreorless found a (temporary) solution and that is alan has moved out and we’re limiting our time together. it’s both of our faults. i don’t know how to spend time away from him and not feel guilty and he wants to spend all of his time with me, but i need space. space gives me sanity. it’s working, but i know me. it’s only a matter of time and i wish it wasn’t that way because what alan gives me is different and pure and i don’t deserve it.

someone else crept into the picture and it never went beyond hanging out, but it altered all of my feelings and woke me up from my stupid happy life that i had with alan. i needed to wake

there was more to this entry and i guess it was sort of lost…but that’s okay. I’ll finish it after court…