04/16/2013

i don’t know how to start this entry. this is why i haven’t been writing.

my mind is completely full with tumultuous thoughts that crash against the sides of my brain and make me want to scream. i think about every aspect of everything — the curve of alan’s jaw, the dark brown of his eyes, his hands on my body, the sound of his guitar as i fall asleep. i think about feelings and i press myself into a small space and pretend that everything is okay, that this will sort itself out. in the back of my mind i know it won’t right now.

i’m not myself lately. i’ve made several decisions and those decisions have spelled out the choices i have to make. these choices have neutralized feelings and dissipated the reality i created with alan. it wasn’t all me, though. we couldn’t live like this forever. what about bills? what about insurance and trips? what about adulthood? what about real jobs and school and making something of ourselves?

what about reality?

what about taking someone for granted? we’re both guilty of it. i don’t know how i snapped out of everything so quickly and it would’ve been nice to stay there forever, but could i have actually done that?

the words are more beautiful in my head. more sorted out but i can’t verbalize or write anything.

i can tell you that i’m going to crush him. this is a man who loves me more than anything.

i feel broken.

i don’t know if i’ve ever felt so lost. everything was shaping up perfectly. our life, our neighborhood, alan’s new job, my new job, summertime, everything. the food, the dancing, the festivals, the parties, everything.

it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

i’m walking thin lines here. i’m drinking too much, i’m playing with too many things at one time, i’m trying to fill my issues with even bigger issues. i’m not losing myself, but i can feel the blur of losing myself. it creeps in and i let it stay there for a second before i pull myself back to reality.

this is not what i wanted.

this is not what i expected. i can’t find my words. i can’t find anything.

i’m about to lose everything. the music, the comfort of our space, the comfort of alan. his smell. his soft skin. his kind words and his gentle demeanor. his thoughtful letters typed on a typewriter. the picnics and the breakfasts and the dinners and reading cookbooks and the bike rides. i’m about to lose the person who has loved me unconditionally even though he knows i can’t do the same.

that’s the worst part. the one man who loves me wholly.

i can already feel the drop. i can feel the loneliness. i can feel the emptiness of the apartment. my heart is heavy and i honestly don’t know how i’m going to be okay without alan.

it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay.