03/13/2013

over the weekend, alan and i got into a huge knock down drag out fight. i’ll skip all the deets except i lost my shit over his friends and i pretty much blindsided him when he got off work one night and the fight continued until midday the next day. i was furious and he called my mom because a long time ago, i once told him that if he ever needed to talk to someone about me, my mom is the best choice. it’s not only because she knows me better than anyone, she’s fair and she’s not going to knock it off as me being "crazy". we worked it out and things are all good now, but he said something that really stuck with me, especially after something that happened to me yesterday. alan shouted, "you have no friends, ashley!" mid rage. this holds some validity. i have lots of friends, but i keep everyone at a safe distance. the people i let in are extremely few and far between, mostly because i think the majority of people are shitty and i hate being let down repeatedly in friendships. i’m not saying i’m a great friend, because i’m not, but i value my time and if i’m willing to share time and insight with you, it’s a pretty big deal. it means you’re not a dick.

so, this brings us to yesterday. i was in a horrible mood. this week is a rough week because it’s sxsw so i’m working doubles and packing up the car to catch music in austin almost every night. 20 hour days. i wouldn’t normally go all out, but daft punk is rumored to be on the texas capital steps tonight and there are tons of other surprise appearances, and alan loves music. sxsw can get expensive and i was talking to emily about trying not to dig into my savings because work has been slow for spring break.

emily said, "do you pay for everything? no wonder alan is so nice to you. robert and i were talking about it the other day and he was like, ‘duh alan is always sweet to ashley. i would be too if you were paying for everything.’" i brushed it off at the time, but as i’ve stewed on it, it makes me really angry.

emily is going to coachella with us. i bought her ticket. i bought alan’s ticket, too. i spent a lot of money on us. we argue about it every couple of months when i feel put out, but it’s never crossed my mind that he would EVER be with me because i make more money than he does. the reason i pay for things is because we work the same number of hours and i make at least four times what alan makes. he works over time, full time, all the time. he’s not lazy and i typically don’t have problems shelling out money for us to have a good time. he pays for stuff when he can and i appreciate that.

now, onto emily. she’s dating robert (21 years her senior), and robert is terrible to her. it’s basically my heath situation. i’ve always been cautiously supportive of robert because i know that emily will figure it out in her own time. she doesn’t need me telling her that robert is using her. she doesn’t need to hear that there’s something wrong with a 45 year old man with an 18 year old daughter dating a 23 year old. she doesn’t need to hear that it isn’t going to work no matter how much she wants it to. she needs a friend and that’s what i’ve been for her. don’t get me wrong, i tell her often that she’s young and beautiful and this is the time of her life and if the good outweighs the bad in a relationship, she should leave. we talk a lot about what i went through with heath and how it compares to her relationship with robert.

so, i was pissed when she said that. i get that she’s probably jealous. i understand she probably doesn’t even know she’s jealous because she thinks what she has is normal and good and it’s okay to have to fight constantly for someone’s love and approval. but it’s not.

this is the first healthy, solid relationship i’ve ever had. fights are few and far between and alan is incredibly good to me. he is so kind and patient and accepting. i feel bad talking about my relationship with alan to anyone other than my mom because i know that what i have with him is special and rare. he is the most perfect thing i could’ve ever asked for.

i don’t know what to do about emily. i don’t know if i should revoke the invitation to coachella. i’m probably overreacting. she’s not very tactful most of the time and i know i should let it slide, but it was so rude and hurtful.

anyway, keep your fingers crossed for daft punk tonight.