02/22/2013

i’ve spent the last couple of mornings meandering through old entries. i read mostly through entries two years ago around this time because i can see the biggest growth in myself and it reminds me how far i’ve come. it’s so painful to read some of those entries. i can’t believe i was so hard on myself about so many things.

if i wasn’t beating myself up over tom or heath, i was balancing my mom’s problems and instability, sorting through my parents’ divorce, or tearing apart my body.

i can’t believe the lack of self respect i had. i don’t know how i loved myself so little that i would put myself in a situation like the tom situation. i waited seven months for someone who was mean and indecisive. i can’t believe i spent almost three years of my life battling someone who only wanted to change me. i don’t know how or why i thought it was normal to want people who hated who i was. i don’t know why i thought it was okay to sabotage myself every day.

i spend a significant amount of time relishing every second i have lately. i tell alan how lucky we are; he smiles and agrees. we know this because it hasn’t always been easy and we haven’t always been so good to ourselves.

i’ve always said it’s tom’s loss or heath’s loss and i wouldn’t ever take that back, but it was my gain and my struggle and i wouldn’t change any of it because i’d never be able to appreciate any of what i have now otherwise.

i still think about tom. i think about running into him and i’m still shocked we haven’t crossed paths. i expect him to come into where i work or to see him when i’m out with alan. i know we wouldn’t speak. i know i am infinitely better, physically and emotionally, than i was when i knew tom, but i owe that to myself and to alan and what we’ve built. i don’t even know if he’d recognize me because i was such a tiny blip on his radar. it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter a million times over and i’ve stopped replaying situations out and when i start to dwell on the memories with tom, most of them seem miniscule, pathetic, and forced. i created a huge romance because i wanted a huge romance and i minimized his looming, terrible qualities by magnifying the tiny romantic moments.

but i’m here now and here is perfect and i am so happy with my past and present and i don’t think i could ask for anything more than that.