02/11/2013

i’ve been dating alan for seven months this month. i don’t know what day we started dating or when it was officially official, but i know it was about seven months ago that i left eric and alan kissed me in the middle of the street with my back against my car and his hand gently around my neck. i remember the way his fingers felt, the taste of his mouth and all the complex emotions that came along with all the hurried choices i was making.

last February was a difficult month for me. it was a month of harsh realities because eric wasn’t working and the initial onset of doubt crept in. last year was a rough year all around, but this year has been incredible.

i am so happy i didn’t move. i confessed this to alan a few weeks ago in the car and he guiltily looked at me and said the same thing. he’s almost moved in to my side of the apartment and we love our neighbors. we make dinner at night, we listen to our music loudly, and we sit on our porch and watch sunsets. our ghetto little apartment is turning out to be the most ideal location in the city because we are two blocks away from the most exciting new establishments in the city. a couple of private investors have flipped a dilapidated old brewery into a mass of the city’s best restaurants and bars. on top of that, they’ve fixed up the river walk and there’s a running trail through the grounds of the art museum and behind all of the buildings. it’s awesome and so unlike the rest of san antonio. they’ve built a ton of new apartment buildings, they’re rezoning this entire neighborhood, i see fewer crackheads and more luxury cars. it’s like we have our own little progressive city right down the road and it’s easy to forget that i’m surrounded by stupid, old fashioned conservative people with big trucks and chewing tobacco.

every time i read the paper, there’s a new bar or restaurant. i need to take pictures. i am so impressed with all of the renovated buildings and delicious food. i’m almost proud to claim san antonio as home right now. i’m still worried about break-ins and scary neighbors, but i’m thinking by the end of this year our neighborhood will have a completely different vibe and i cannot wait. plus, i’m going to be paying $225 a month for rent once alan moves in and that is ridiculous for the location i have right now.

we’re painting and hanging pictures and assembling furniture and counting down the days until we hit the road for Coachella. It’s all about clean eating and fun exercise over here.

i’m trying not to write about how incredible alan is. i can’t explain how i know that this is real, that this is the way all relationships should work, that this is so healthy and right and perfect. i am so calm. more calm than ever and alan agrees, telling me he calms how "neurotic" i can be, and he’s right. he brings me so much peace because he makes me feel so special and beautiful every single time we’re together.

i spent yesterday afternoon boxing up clothes that had sentimental value to me from the heath era. the shirt i wore on our first date, the dress i wore when we went to Austin and i blurted out an unrequited "i love you", the earrings he brought me from thailand. i don’t need any of it. i don’t need to respond when he texts or calls because i don’t need a back up.

i want to give alan all of the wonderful things he gives to me. he’s simply okay with me being there, and i don’t understand this but i love it. i rubbed his back until his breathing slowed and his body slumped into sleep last night and i thought to myself, "this is what it’s about."

i’ve dated good guys. there was luke and joe and a couple of decent guys i completely bypassed because i couldn’t handle someone simply taking me as i am. i couldn’t handle love. i couldn’t understand someone wanting me for me and i thought i needed someone who wanted something more than me, or someone different. this is what i’ve been missing out on and it’s bittersweet that it’s taken me 24 years to accept this sort of kindness.

it’s freaking awesome.