02/07/2013

this time three years ago i was in mexico with heath. i remember it all so well – how excited i was, the smile i couldn’t wipe off my face, my new bathing suits from victoria’s secret, heath’s hand on my leg in the airport. i remember who i was to him, the person i was when i was with him, the person i thought i would be.

as i read rihanna’s comments about chris brown and how supportive she is of him and how "disgusted" he is with the way he treated her, i can’t help but grow sick to my stomach. i don’t think men who beat women change. i don’t think there’s a way to calm someone who is constantly angry.

if i’m honest, i’ll say that i teased heath and played games with him until recently. there’s something about toying with someone who once had you on a string. it never concerned me because i’d waited for the opportunity forever and i felt like he deserved it and i knew i’d never go back.

i think about that night in austin with heath and how it’s main reason out of tons of other reasons that i would never involve myself with heath. he’d do it all over again.

i think about heath as i put on makeup. i think about heath when i look in the mirror and see how beautiful i am. i think about heath when i track my progress over the last three years. i think about heath when i think about me.

but it’s not the way you think it is. it’s always a huge "fuck you", because if he’d been patient and kind and supportive i would’ve been me, perfectly, three years ago.

so, fuck you heath. and fuck you chris brown and rihanna for displaying such a common and sad trend amongst women and men.