01/07/2013

i would usually save two entries a day for super exciting days or super stressful days, but sometimes i get so caught up in all of the chaos and bad things in my life that i forget to mention the good.

i never write about alan which is less than fair because i spent so much energy writing about people who were awful to me and i don’t take the time to write about how wonderful alan is to me every single second of every single day. it’s sad, isn’t it?

as i was falling asleep last night, i had this sudden thought that even though alan gave me the pass code to his phone, i shouldn’t look through it. he’s allowed his life. i stopped snooping his facebook and text messages. i trust him because he loves me more than anyone has ever loved me, i think.

he makes me feel so beautiful in every way. he takes pictures of me all the time. if i were to flip through his phone, most of the pictures are of me doing mundane things or the silhouette of my body in the morning. he is fascinated by every thing i do. he is patient when i’m angry, he writes me little notes and sneaks them in places he knows i’ll stumble across at some point.

we woke up late sunday morning, rolled out of bed, made cheese grits and turkey sausage and egg whites, and started our day. we wandered around home depot picking out paint and we made our way home to start painting.

we spent the entire afternoon taping window and floor trim, painting walls and listening to music. we didn’t talk, we just were. the same thing happened on christmas eve when we were cooking for my family. we occupied the same space but we were both totally at peace and relaxed just being in the same area knowing we were after the same goal and we were accomplishing it together.

my feelings come and go. sometimes i am irritated and i need space and i am argumentative. he doesn’t try to argue with me or put me in a better mood. he simply listens and nods and knows that i don’t need input, i just need an ear.

as i sit here on the couch wearing his holey socks and listening to him play the guitar, i understand that this is different. this is what people mean when they talk about loving your best friend. it isn’t always easy and it isn’t about swooning. it isn’t about ups and downs and dramatic arguments and someone making me feel like i need to earn his love. it’s about alan telling me that he loves all of me all the time. it’s knowing that someone loves me unconditionally. it’s alan laughing when i accidentally fart and then giving me a high five. it’s jazz trumpet and beanies and scarves and the best dressed boy i’ve ever met. we aren’t perfect and we don’t pretend to be, but we’re us and what we have is special and i don’t know where this will end up or what he’ll mean to me a year from now, but i love him.