11/30/2012

thank you for all the notes on the last entry. i felt like i needed feedback, specifically male feedback, and what i got was extremely helpful.

at the same time, it reminds me that men and women are completely different and i have no idea how we’re supposed to function together. it’s helpful to hear other men say that porn is a safe outlet for extra sexuality, but i can’t get a grasp on that and i probably never will.

last night was a rough night. alan initially said that porn was a way for him to imagine having sex with other women and then he told me sex was a way for him to voyeuristic and watch other people have sex.  someone wrote a note on my entry telling me how much he enjoyed (sarcastically) the way women flip the porn thing so it’s okay for us to watch but not our male counterparts. i can tell you that when i watch porn i watch maybe 15 seconds of it and after those fifteen seconds, i’m pretending it’s me and my partner. i don’t really get off on watching strangers on my computer screen having super animated sex. i could see myself being turned on by hearing my two attractive neighbors having sex, or maybe watching from my apartment window as two people undress each other. that’s voyeuristic for me.

i don’t know what alan meant. based on the comments from guys, i can imagine it’s somewhere between imagining sex with other women and an outlet for sexuality.

i can’t help but feel inadequate. i know i shouldn’t. i get that. i’m attractive, i’m a good partner, i am worthy. i know all of this.

ultimately, if i imagined myself having sex with men and i told alan, he’d probably freak out. there’s something about hearing your partner tell you that he’s imagining having sex with other people who look nothing like you that’s daunting.

alan felt terrible. i didn’t want him to feel terrible and i don’t want to block of the option of porn. honestly, i don’t care if he watches porn and i only lost my shit when i saw the girl looked exactly like someone we work with. it sort of made everything more of a reality.

alan is the first person i’ve dated who makes me feel worthy all the time. there are compliments all the time on every level and he does it all in such a way that it isn’t overbearing. he is cautious and he gives me space and he reads me well. he picks me up and spins me around and plants kisses all over my forehead and we have the most incredible sex. i’ll get over all of this and i’ll apologize for overreacting because there’s nothing that can make up the space between men and women.

but this sucks.