11/27/2012

i am obsessed with "pyramids" by frank ocean. i can’t find the whole song on youtube, but the song off his album is forever long and completely awesome the whole way through.

i didn’t have to work today and i slept four hours past my alarm and i slept a ton the last four days and what i’m trying to say is i’m more rested than i’ve been in months.

i am finally starting to worry about my move. i will have saved about $5000 before i move which is more than i ever thought i was capable of, but it’s coming at a price. i am a boring person as of lately.

the time changed has tripped me out. i am still not used to darkness so early and i’m stuck contemplating how it effects other people as well, considering the lunch crowd moves slower and it’s later than usual at work.

i don’t know what i’m going to do without my mom when i move. she and chris have become such an important part of my life, as well as alan’s life. we spend a lot of time with them, and i’m still so grateful for my makeshift family. things with my dad took a really bad turn over my birthday. he knows i’m moving and he asks me constantly if i need help when he knows the only thing i need help with is money. it’s not that i need his help, either, it’s that if he was going to help me it would be in the money department. he gave me $250 for my birthday and i was happy for it because any money is good money…but he just took my brother on a $10,000 vacation to a porsche driving school in alabama. i wasn’t invited and i’m not invited to dinners when brad is in town. i don’t understand. on thanksgiving, alan and i were going to stop by my dad’s before we went to his parents’ and when we did stop, i found out that my dad was expecting me to cook everything while he and my brother went to their other thanksgiving obligations, and i probably would’ve been okay with this if i’d had any idea that’s what was going on.

i don’t know why i’m so bent about it. i am obviously my mom’s favorite and she helps me out and we do so many things all the time, but i wish i had a similar relationship with my dad. not because i want more stuff, but because my relationship with my dad directly impacts my relationships with men. i am also so similar to my dad. i wish i could sit and talk to him about all of our huge, glaring faults and figure out ways to soften them. but i can’t.

i got into a fight with alan the other night and i had him drop me off at chris’. i was so upset and chris sat next to me and talked to me about a logical answer to the problem and touched my hair (in a fatherly way) and it was the first time in my life that anything like this had ever happened with a father figure. i never had any of that growing up. my dad thought i was my mom’s job. he never had any sort of part in anything in my life growing up outside of discipline and finances.

enough about that. fuck.

things with alan are so, so incredible. it’s not about timing with us. it’s not like heath where there was one specific moment in time that we’d get along, that our age difference would work. it’s not like eric, either, because it was only a matter of time before i outgrew eric. alan and i like the same things, we talk about things that matter, sex isn’t a chore, there’s an equal balance of power and he is so sweet to me. so sweet. it’s unreal.

i am, at this moment, so happy he is moving with me. i don’t know how it’s going to be when we get there, but in this moment i am so happy about it.

i can’t believe it’s almost december. it isn’t even cold here. it feels more like late summer weather instead of winter and i can’t wait for snow, new places, bundling up with alan, snow, snow, snow, and working more towards goals.

last night at the laundry mat alan said, "let’s play a game. let’s pretend i’ve finished school in denver and you’re just about finished with your degree. you graduate in may. what’s our next step?"

i reply, "this all depends on whether we’re still together at that point. if i haven’t driven you away, i suppose you’ll probably propose to me and i’ll make you wait another five years or so until i’m ready to get married. who knows. i guess if you’ve put up with me that long we might as well get married, since i know you’re into that."

he smiled and said, "i like what we’re doing now. let’s just keep doing this."

and that is perfect.