11/14/2012

i’m beginning to pack up my apartment and it’s weird to me, not because i’m moving out of state, but because there are tons of eric’s things still intermingled with mine. we would’ve never made it this far, but it’s strange to think about how different things could’ve been. how different our intentions were. i think i always knew somewhere in a distant corner of my mind that we would never work out.

the apartment smells like air. i’m never here and i keep the windows open. any traces of me or eric would seem gone if i walked in with my eyes closed. it smells and feels unfamiliar to me always, even though my things are all here.

as i get closer to moving i’m tracing old paths, setting ghosts and memories free, taking it all in as much i can so i miss it less here. i worked my way to the center of the city and walked through down town, up heath’s old street, past the bars we used to frequent. i stopped at the small church my parents were married in. i stood out front, wondering how they felt that day. if there were doubts, if there was any sort of worry, if they ever thought they’d be where they are now.

i have too many ghosts here. i can’t go many places without seeing someone i’d rather not see. i can’t go many places without memories of my family, of heath, of tom. it’s the things about heath that have stuck with me most.

all of this makes me seem unhappy in what i have with alan. i’m not. alan is the closest to perfect i’ve ever dated. he is everything i could ever ask for in a partner and any issues i have with him spring from me either feeling inadequate or noncommittal.

when i say perfect, i mean he is perfect. there are times he’s selfish or snappy, but it fades quickly into a logical apology. he commits so easily and i’m jealous of his ability to make a decision and follow through with it. he balances me. i am more honest and more communicative and more myself than i ever have been. these last few months haven’t been easy and alan sort of caught me at a bad time and i never thought this would work the way it seems to be, but it’s strange how generally well it’s going.

i still facebook stalk tom. i still facebook stalk eric. i think this is normal. i haven’t thought about eric and i think it’s okay for me to think about him when i’m in this apartment. it was ours, afterall.

i am so, so, so fond of alan. i am almost constantly amazed by him. we’ve started working on crossword puzzles together and he’s so good at them! he is so smart.

i’ve obviously lost my focus. back to cleaning.