10/30/2012

i went to a rosary tonight. it was my first full on catholic rosary and i am so happy i’m not catholic. it was scary and all the chanting weirded me out until i could tone it down to a low hum and then it mostly made me sleepy. the service was for ben, a family friend who was a man’s man and a devout catholic and the biggest flirt i’ve ever met. he had brain cancer. rest in peace, ben.

i left the rosary and went to dinner. i wandered around the store, smelled flowers, ate my stir fry and picked up some treats for alan. as i was leaving the store the guy at the checkout station said, "you find everything you need? you were in here for a while." i told him that i love grocery stores and he laughed and at the end he said, "hope to see you around here more often."

i need to write more. the more i hang out with alan, the less i feel like i’m capable of writing because he’s so well spoken. part of the reason i’m not writing is because i’m going through a particularly turbulent time. i know it’ll pass, but there isn’t a point in writing daily and having conflicting entries every time. i say and do things to alan that strike me as odd, simply because they are so out of character. i’m smoking more weed than i ever have and i think this might have something to do with it. i want to be kind and thoughtful and i am at times, but it’s not the way i know myself.

i’ve simply stopped putting up with bullshit on any level, whether it’s from my coworkers, my dad, my boyfriend, my boss.

i need to hold myself to the same caliber.

i turn 24 in less than a month, i’m moving in two months, i’m hanging onto a job i hate. my weight finally went down a bit and i’ve stopped eating uncontrollably and owned up to the five pounds and traded out skittles for a pedometer and i’m back around 135, which is better than 140 and will be best when i’m at 130.

there are good things, too. lots of good things. the weather is perfect here. so, so perfect. alan is incredible. absolutely incredible and so patient and laid back and i don’t know how, but he thinks i am amazing and this is shocking to me.

we have fun fun fun fest this weekend and i know it’s going to be crazy and awesome. it’s my gift to myself for surviving these last few months of tortuous doubles and horrible bosses. alan’s 25th birthday is next week and i need to buy him boots and figure out where we’re going to dinner. i don’t know if i deserve alan. i’ve honestly been horrible to alan the last two months. stress from work, stress about the move, stress about weight, stress about anything i can stress about. he still wakes up in the morning and spoons with me. he still leaves me notes in my purse. he still brings me cookies and makes me food and opens my door every time i get into the car.

my mom loves him, my dad loves him, my brother loves him. everyone loves him. my friends, his friends. i love him, too, but some of this is almost too unreal. i don’t know how this happened or how long he’ll act this way or when he’ll stop loving me because i’ve pushed him too far. i don’t know if i can love him unconditionally..

i don’t know if i can love anyone or anything unconditionally outside of my mom because she loves me that way. i don’t know how to forgive and be understanding and let people i love do what makes them happiest. i don’t know how to love someone for the person he or she is.

it’s probably because i don’t really love me. alan took pictures of me when i was getting ready in the morning one morning. he showed me the pictures and i didn’t recognize MY body. the body i’ve had my entire life. i hate myself, and i mean that in the least pitiful, most centrally honest way i could possibly mean it. the way i’ve been treating alan and feeling inside only makes it worse because it makes me feel so much more ugly.

it’s not even physically ugly. ugly isn’t the right word. the right word is "low". i’m feeling low about me and who i am as a human and sure, my weight and my physical appearance is somewhere in there, but it’s mostly just me as a whole.

i talk to my mom about how "crazy" and "psycho" i am and about the copious amounts of weed i’ve been smoking and she stops me quickly to tell me i’m not crazy or psycho and i have to stop telling myself that. but i can’t. i feel so distorted. it’s guilt and anger and sadness and anxiety and this split-open feeling because i am trying to be so happy and loving and optimistic.

i have no idea where it’s all coming from, either.

i don’t want anyone to see my body after i’ve died. i don’t want an open casket. i don’t want someone’s last memories of me to be interrupted by a terribly made up and still version of myself. i don’t want bible verses, i don’t want a church. i don’t want to die, period.

i know i’m repetitive. i wish i could sneak a little sliver out of my brain and share it with you because it literally only has five sections. one is my weight, one is what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with myself, one is "how is my relationship with my dad altering my life on a daily basis?", one is alan, and the last is the move and whether i’ll be thin or pretty or financially and emotionally stable enough to pack my shit and move across the country in hopes that i’ll actually find myself.

jesus, this is a depressing entry.

i saw eric driving the other day when i was in the car with alan. i hardly think about eric these days and when i do, it’s to replay a conversation i had with him in which he said, "i hardly have enough money to put gas in my car or go out to lunch" and i wanted to scream at him or jump in elation because i made the right choice and he completely forgot anything we ever talked about. the point is it was weird to see eric from a distance while i was sitting in the car with alan and i started having thoughts about all of my ex boyfriends ever and how some of this shit i’m going through must have to do with them, when truthfully everything that i’m dealing with is specifically tied to me and some deep rooted issues i have. i just need to figure them out.

so, keep your fingers crossed for happier entries and me solving every single problem floating around my head.