09/23/2012

there’s a huge storm rolling in and i park on top of a hill that looks over the city and watch the storm clouds dwarf downtown. it reminds me quickly that i’m human and tiny in a massive universe and it brings me peace for a few seconds.

i’m obsessed with my weight again. it won’t go down, i’m hovering somewhere around 136 and my entire life is again consumed by whatever my scale says. i’d get rid of my scale but that only makes me worry more about what my weight is. i have that modeling thing next weekend and i’m supposed to walk a runway, pose for four secods, make sure my heels click to the beat as i walk. it’s not me and i’m grateful i’m not obsessed with makeup and clothes and hair. i’m instead obsessed with food, constantly counting calories and awaiting my next small meal. you can’t win them all, i guess.

my apartment is messy.

i’m busy and overwhelmed with work and i push aside time for myself, promising myself that after december it’ll be different because i’ll be in colorado, alone, with plenty of time for myself.

i feel disconnected right now and i don’t know if it’s because i don’t like how i feel about myself or if it’s allergy medicine or just a lull because i’m about to start my period.

my grandparents’ sixtieth anniversary party was nice. i was drunk on a half glass of wine and we ran into a couple of my dad’s coworkers who knew my brother is getting his phd in bio engineering and they knew he loves to brew beer but they had no idea my dad had a daughter. it’s not how i should sum the night up, but it’s what stuck with me the most. i don’t understand my dad and i don’t know if he understands the impact these frequent encounters with other people have on me. it’s easy to forget about until it happens again.

it reminds me of the night i was hysterical in the car and eric pulled into my dad’s neighborhood, convinced he was going to show my dad what he did to me. i made him turn around, but sometimes i wonder what would’ve been said. if my dad has any idea. if it would’ve done any good. if he would’ve respected eric more.

but it really makes me wonder what will happen to my relationship with my dad over time. if, as he ages, he shares that it was me who put the distance between us, if he really wanted something else instead and didn’t know how to communicate. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with me. maybe i’m floating and it’s the worst possible thing i could’ve done to him.