07/06/2012

i don’t really feel like myself lately and i feel mostly like i’m going through the motions. i’m not used to this.

last night a kid came into where i work with a csu hat. i didn’t think it would make me feel as much as it did, but i felt like my heart was fighting its way out of my chest via my throat. i was flooded with memories that i had forgotten about how excited i was to move to colorado, about my freshman year, about everything. i miss it. i know, as i proved to myself last february, that it could never be the same. it was a moment in time and everything was specific. i could never recreate it, but it reminded me that there aren’t any "do-overs" in life and as much as i hate it, my life is flying by me. i poked the kid on the shoulder and asked him when he was headed out and i wanted to sit there and talk to him and tell him where he needed to go, how csu changed me as a person, how those were the two most incredible years.

one of the guys from work asked me to drinks. he has to have the most selective hearing or he’s simply disregarding the eric factor, but i said yes. i’m still very much attached and living with eric and i don’t know why i said yes, but i have absolutely zero intentions of anything. i’m guiding this more into a friend zone, obviously, but i don’t know.

i think i’m going to stay at my mom’s this weekend. i don’t want to leave in anger, i just need space.

i couldn’t sleep last night and i stayed awake to listen to eric breathe, to smell his skin, to remember what we used to be. i held his hand, tears streaming down my face, and silently begged him to make it better. i wish it had all been sooner. i wish i could force all of my feelings back to where they were before all of this.

i wanted it to be eric. from the very beginning. i’m his universe and he was, for me, the same thing. the eyes, the hair, the carefree smile. he’s everything i thought i always wanted and until we moved in together and the money situation creeped in, i thought we were supposed to be together. his personality meshes so well with mine. i would do anything to forget this, but there are so many bigger things to worry about. the lack of motivation signals stability issues for the future. if eric has a hard time working in a restaurant, how is he ever going to function in a real job? if he doesn’t understand the necessity of a job, how is he going to support himself?

how is he going to support me? not financially. emotionally. if he breaks down every time we talk about us, if he’s always the one most upset, when do i get to be the one in need? when can i need him if he always needs me most?

i hurt. i feel it in my heart and behind my eyes. i feel it in the tossing and turning at night. i feel it in my inability to release him because he is my best friend, my roommate, my partner. i feel it in looking at other people and wanting to get to know alan and i know none of it is right. i know the right thing to do.

i don’t know how to do it, and i’m selfish. i want him to be it. i want him to magically be everything i need over night. i want the last ten months to kick in and i want him to wake up and be it. for me, yes, but more for eric. he’ll never make it without these things. it kills me.