06/29/2012

dear tom,

it’s the first letter i’ve written to you in forever. it’s the first letter i’ve written in a long time and i know it shouldn’t even be to you. since our extremely brief texting i can’t get you off my mind. after rarely thinking of you. how long did you expect me to wait? how long would you have played me perfectly? was seven months not enough for you to figure out what you wanted?

i can’t let you go. i want to let you go. eric is better looking and eric knows what he wants with me. eric wants me. the thing that kills me about us is that i will never know. there are days i go to work thinking that maybe you’d come in, but the truth is i’ll never see you again.  i want to see you again. i don’t know what i would say or do and i doubt anything would come out of it. but i wish i could see you.

the only reason i texted you was because i knew you wouldn’t text back, but you did and now i’m spinning all over again, wishing i was on your porch with a bottle of wine. wishing you were telling me secrets about your family.

but we were always fucked up. and when we weren’t you were so difficult. so bent on making me feel inferior, so harsh with your words.

i miss you standing behind me as i looked at the window, telling me not to move as you stared at me. i miss you painting. i miss listening to pandora and convincing you that chris brown and drake were worth a normal rotation on your music radar.

when it comes down to it, i miss waiting. waiting for your calls or your texts. waiting for you to want me. i miss all the feelings.

love,
me