06/12/2012

i have to play devil’s advocate with myself.

i was super, super pissed earlier. i talked to my mom, ate a brownie sundae, and took a really hot shower.

i could be optimistic and say that i will definitely find someone who challenges me intellectually and treats me extremely well, but frankly, i don’t know if that’s possible. i’m not lowering my standards; i’m being realistic. at some point in my life i’m going to have to make a choice. i understand this, and while i appreciate that a lot of people think there’s this all-around wonderful man hiding in a coffee shop or waiting to by me a drink at a classy bar, i generally feel really lucky with eric. he curls up to me at night, tells me how beautiful i am, smiles when i wake him up, and is trying really hard to learn to cook.

as for the sexual stuff, it’s deeper (no pun intended) than i let on. eric went through a lot of stuff as a kid. stuff as in STUFF. bad stuff. on top of that, eric’s dad completely over sexualized him. when eric was 11 or 12 his dad told him that he’d had sex with over 300 women. i think, like most men (and women), eric has been over saturated sexually through porn and amped up stories about what sex "should" be like.

on the flip side of that, eric grew up in an a ridiculously religious house hold. while eric’s dad told eric the above stories, eric’s mom basically slammed christianity on eric. so, sex is taboo. even when we talk about it now he clams up. i chalk this up to never being able to discuss sex openly and the bad stuff that happened to eric as a kid.

my parents were openly affectionate when i was growing up. sex was never an off limits conversation. drugs, drinking, sex. we talked about everything freely. i think it’s why i have such an easy time talking about sex now. i think it’s one of the reasons i’m so sexually open minded. there’s just no reason not to be.

i think what’s happening with eric is a complete switch of everyting he’s ever been exposed to. i can’t imagine thinking one thing my entire life and having someone throw a bunch of new shit in my face over a few months.

yeah.