04/24/2012

this is a drunk entry so prepare yourselves.

i could start with work or my dad or eric or heath and the way he continues to show up at where i work and harass me. he gets shitfaced at the bar and yells my name across the restaurant and grabs me and flirts with my coworkers and when i pressure my manager about doing something about it, he tells me to ignore it. i understand that this is america and i’m a woman and i will never, ever have the rights i should, but at what point is it okay to kick someone out of a restaurant for being completely irrational? at what point does my well being and safety matter?

i could write about my dad and the way he ignored my attempt at conversing about his issues with me as a person. i could write about how he blows everything off like it’s not a big deal and he didn’t invite me to easter with the rest of my family. i could write about how he refuses to acknowledge me even though i live a mile away from him and i don’t ever fucking see him.

i could mention tom somewhere in this entry and how i wish he would fucking respond to anything and not lie to me about moving to austin because, honestly, i don’t really care except i didn’t matter to him at all and that’s the part that bothers me so much. i should matter. i do matter and i can’t stand not mattering to someone.

i haven’t even texted him in months, but the last text i sent with a lack of response makes me so angry that my insides twist.

somewhere in this entry i should mention disintegration because pieces of my life seem to get smaller and smaller until they are almost completely nonexistant on a daily basis and i wish my brother would return my calls or call me back when he said he was. i have spoken to my brother a total of twenty two minutes since he left for the semester in january.

there’s asteroid mining and the upcoming election and my manager at work quitting and my upcoming vacation in less than a month. there was a conversation on the phone with my mom this evening where i attempted to reach out and she giggled, a huge argument with eric about finances, and my general detachment from my life over the last four hours.

i’ve had better days.