09/12/2011

on the way home friday i started thinking about love and how there’s this perfect balance between understanding that you’re okay alone and still letting someone else in enough to feel like you don’t want to be without that person. initially, i was a little freaked out because i am so content with my alone time and it made me wonder if my feelings for eric will be less than my feelings for guys in the past have been because i don’t need him the way i always needed someone else to make me happy. i quickly realized that’s not how it works — that everything in the past has always been unhealthy. i’ve never had moderation. i’ve never loved myself. i don’t know how i ever had any sort of relationship with anyone based on the lack of those two unbelievably important things. 

on friday eric’s brother fainted at lunch and eric had to get him to the emergency room. ryan’s fine, but falling six feet and landing on your face is brutal. his face looks terrible and he can hardly move his neck. i picked carlee (eric’s little sister) up from school and we went to the mall and grabbed ice cream. while i don’t miss being thirteen, it was so fun to hang with her and dish about eric and listen to her stories. even though i question having kids all the time, it surprises me how quickly i swing into maternal mode. suddenly i choose my words more carefully, i drive slower, i feel protective.

we went on a double date friday and lounged around saturday. we went to my uncle’s for my grandpa’s 85th birthday. i drank too much…and it was vodka…and i didn’t really eat dinner because it was lasagna and i can’t eat lasagna, so naturally i ended up crying and throwing up several times on the way home…once on eric’s sidewalk. i’m not sure why i was so upset, but i think it probably had to do with everyone talking about my mom and telling me how much they miss her, and some weird random text from heath.

it’s still hard sometimes to not have my mom out there. i know my dad feels it, too.

i’m not sure why heath texted me. it started with something about the us open and one of the player’s girlfriends and how she was so "sincere and heartfelt" and it reminded him of me. he then told me he missed me, that he loved me, that he was planning to settle down soon and couldn’t get past that it wasn’t with me.

what the fuck ever. i’m gone.

eric took care of me so well last night. he got me in the shower, went and got me a bean and cheese taco, and was super patient with me while i cried. we talked about it more this morning and i told him that heath texted me. we talked about that, too. i’ve drunkenly told him about heath and it was nice to talk about it sober.

we had the most amazing sex yesterday and today. i love how intimate it is. it’s this huge glow-y feeling and i can’t describe it more than that because i can’t even find the words for it.  i’m not usually one for really long sex, but today was fantastic. eric is fantastic. i honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

luke got onto me about eric, telling me he doesn’t trust him and he’s wreckless and i’m wreckless so it’s a bad combination. i think i can be impulsive but i don’t think i’m wreckless. on top of that, i don’t really appreciate luke calling me or eric wreckless. i don’t think eric is wreckless either, and i think he’s totally trustworthy. i wish luke and megan could suck it up and be happy for me. i would heed their advice if 1) megan understood me more and if she wasn’t jealous and 2) luke didn’t have feelings for me.

my family really likes eric and that’s most important to me. if there was a reason to be cautious, my mom and dad would be all over that.

i’m posting two pictures of eric because i can’t decide which one i like more…and yeah…

yummmm.

anyway, happy monday and you should check out kina grannis’ "pumped up kicks" cover on youtube. it’s so legit. also, while you’re there check out her "michicant" cover, too. sooo beautiful.</