08/24/2011

first day of classes was awesome. so, so awesome and even though two people asked me for directions because i "don’t look like a freshman", i’m so happy to be back. i love all my classes even though i’ve more or less taken them before. my teachers are the shit and i know it’s going to be a great semester.

on the way up last night i was nervous and anxious and i wanted to run. from this, from eric, from responsibility, from me. it’s weird how i moved to colorado without knowing anyone, how three years after that i moved out to salt lake city in a similar boat, but throw me thirty miles from home and i’m scared beyond belief. i think i’m so afraid to grow up, to accept that one day soon i’ll have to take responsibility for myself, that i’d rather pack a bag and hop a plane than move somewhere and try to make something real happen.

i’m digging my roommate. she’s not what i expected at all and i get home from class and the apartment smells like weed and it’s like i’m back in colorado.

i don’t remember the last time i felt so complete. i have a purpose, i have more of a life direction than i probably ever have. i’ve been busy and i’ve been filling voids that needed to be filled for a really, really long time.

there’s megan. i know i’ve written about how much i appreciate her but it’s so, so much more than that. there’s eric, too. we drank entirely too much monday night, celebrating my last night of the summer and we were having a heart to heart and i cried and told him about heath and told him about how scared i was and he said, "everyone has problems, ashley. you’re not messed up. i’m not gong to hurt you."

and then i fell asleep and i apologized the next morning and he said, "i’m so sorry that happened to you." he’s asked me to a wedding in october and i can see that. this is going to last a while. i don’t feel any rush, any urgency because he’s going to be there. even if we don’t date for an extended period of time i can see us being good friends and this brings me a lot of peace, too.

we drank with his brother monday night and when eric went to the bathroom, ryan was like, "please don’t hurt him" and i won’t. he’s so freaking attractive. especially with his glasses on.

for the first time in a long time i am genuinely happy with my past, present, and future. there’s no holding on to the past and i’m not worried about where i’m headed because it’s all going to be good. i’m not rushing to get out of where i am, either. i want to stay like this forever with so much ahead of me, so many beautiful people surrounding me.

that includes y’all. love love love.