08/08/2011

it’s strange how easy it is to be and not push when you know someone isn’t going anywhere.

i haven’t felt this way since joe. it was always a struggle with heath, a fight for control. it was the same way with tom and i pushed too hard, but when you’re on unsteady ground and you’re putting yourself out there, it’s impossible to enjoy anything.

conor comes and goes. he’s here some nights, taking me out to dinner others, and playing gigs somewhere between. he calls, he texts, but we’re both doing our own thing and it’s so easy. not to mention i’m comfortable around him in a way that surprises me.

he helped me move today. we were with his good friends and he held my hand under the table, which i completely expected. our lives are intertwined in complicated ways — my mom, his dad, my family friends, his best friend, his sister — but as soon as his friends were out the door he pulled me to him and gave me a huge smile and kissed me. by the way, i was soooo turned on when i had my hand on his knee. i’ve missed that feeling, too.

he picked me up in the middle of the night to move me to my bed because i fell asleep on the couch. i wake up with his arms around me or my head on his chest. i open my eyes and he opens his and we smile and kiss and i roll out of bed because we have to get moving, but i turn around and kiss him again.

yeah, i’m moving but it’s not a big deal. if he wants to see me, he’ll come around. his band is working on getting gigs in san marcos and he’s told me my new job is searching out the bars in san marcos to find the best ones for them to play at.

i still think about tom. i will probably think about tom for the next year. too many loose ends. cameron is furious with me. he has a reason to be and i feel guilty, but it’s my life and i’m going to do whatever i want to do which sounds stupid, but seriously.

haven’t spoken to my dad. i won’t get into that.

i’ve slipped into college ashley. i sleep too many hours during the day and have zero problems sleeping at night and i’m thrown back to my freshman year. i’m sure it’ll only get better. i can hardly wait. the square looks incredible. so many places. so many things to do. so many beautiful running trails by the river. i’m going to absolutely love it.

a picture of conor. i’m hoping he never wears this necklace again.