07/21/2011

today is the first day in months i didn’t drive by tom’s work on the way out of mine. it’s not like i’m going to run into him on the street while we’re driving and he’s going to suddenly realize in passing that he’s in love with me. he probably wouldn’t even recognize my car and if he did, he’d wave and my heart would jump out of my chest and i’d sit and wait for his call and he’d never call.

my brain is a jumble of thoughts about tom and cameron. tom occupies way too much space in my head right now, especially since i know it isn’t mutual.

i have honestly never felt this way. i feel creepy and obsessed and it surprises me that i’m not trying to get ahold of tom. this is called pride. i’ve texted him once in the last two weeks and i’m proud of myself but fuck, i wish he’d reach out to me.

it fades when i talk to cameron and though i feel slightly bad for using him as my crutch, i know i’m the same thing for him.

i fully expect to run into tom every place i go. i prepare myself for the way it’ll feel, especially if he’s with someone else. my chest aches when i think about him and i’m not sure how to deal with it. i think this is some weird love thing but i’m not sure who i was in love with or why. i don’t even know tom. i know shades of tom and i know his eyes and his body, but i don’t know anything else. i hate this. obviously i’m stumbling over how to explain how i feel because i’m more logical than this and i can’t get away from it.

outside of that, i am having the best time ever. ever ever ever.