07/19/2011

for me, there are always questions i won’t ever have answers to. i’ve started quite a collection of them that i’ll probably carry with me for the rest of my life.

heath prompts the most questions. i won’t ever know why he cheated on me. i won’t ever know why he hit me. i won’t ever fully understand why i stayed. i won’t ever understand the underlying pull we had on eachother. the connection that was so wasted. the connection that i will probably search for in someone for a long time. yes, the bad will always, always outweigh that connection, but it doesn’t negate that i could look at heath from across a room and we’d meet eyes and crack up because we were always on the same wavelength.

there’s timing, love, and success.

there’s so many things i want to do. my dad often tells me that as soon as i have a degree i can do whatever i want, but i know that’s not true. when he says that, he means i can do whatever i want as long as it’s corporate and puts my $120,000 in education to good use. but i won’t. when i graduate i’m going to take my graduation money and go somewhere and meet people and travel. after that, i might move from coast to coast and work as a waitress. i will probably do things like this until i’m thirty or so. but success for me is measured in happiness.

sometimes i wonder if i could love life enough to satisfy the space of another person. if i could love everyone in the world so much, love myself so much, love everything i’m doing so much that having one single other person to share it with would be insignificant.

there’s me. what makes me this way. why i’m this way and brad is so impossibly different. why i’m so fortunate. if i’m doing the right thing. if i’ll regret the choices i’m making.

i’m almost overwhelmed as august gets closer because i have this huge adventure ahead of me. yeah, i’m excited to see cameron but it’s more about school and life and living.

i think lives have shapes. i think my life is circular. all of my relationships are circular. maybe i’m not unique in this aspect — maybe everyones’ lives are circular. people sneak in and out of my life and it’s always in the same way. if there’s a reason i expect tom back it’s because of this. but he may be the first curve ball.

i haven’t heard from him. i haven’t seen him in two weeks, when he held me in the door way and i kissed his lips before i left after he asked me to stay. it seems like a lifetime ago. most importantly, it feels right to be away from him. i made the absolute best decision. but why did it have to play out like that?

either way, that question will be floating around for a while.

obviously.

i need to sleep.

and…on a side note, molly is basically ecstasy. for some reason, everyone acts like it’s something different, but it’s a completely pure form of mdma. don’t worry — it was more than likely a one time thing.