closer and closer

my wedding is now 4 months away. thats it.

and yes, im nervous as hell. this time in 4 MONTHS im going to be married, and i have no idea what my future is going to be.

i want a family so bad, i always have. ive never seen anything wrong with starting early, and all those people that go "smart people wait" always made me sick, because to me, it didnt matter when, as long as YOU were ready. and i am. i have been.

and i also want to go back to school. i want to go to pharmacy school. and i know thats a lot of work, and i also know a family is a lot of work, and that, basically, im the bread winner. and that even makes me upset. as a female, ive always believed theres nothing wrong with the female making more, but sometimes i wish Chris would just TRY to move on from a damn 3rd shift cashier position. i dont like feeling stressed. basically our ENTIRE living situation rests on us, and there has been so many times when ive wanted to walk out of that god forsaken hell hole of a job but i CANT because Chris wont do anything about his $8 an hour job. ugh.

anyway, thats not what i want to rant about.

to start the future, you have to close up the past, right? for the most part anyway.

but i keep thinking about Joe, and how much i hurt him. and i have that burden sitting on me. and i hate it, and i hate myself. ive never not been able to talk to an ex, and i dont like this. at least, if our lives had just… gone different ways, it would have been fine, but it didnt end up like that. it just turned… bitter.

but i dont have the courage to talk to him. im sure hes happy, that hes moved on, but i just wish i could know if he hates me, or if it would be to much for me to send him a simple facebook message and just say "im sorry."

sometimes i wonder if he still reads this, if he still thinks about me. he was such a part of me that it hurts to know i hurt him so horribly, and i know we cant be friends, not after that. maybe… if i werent still with Chris, but theres nothing in this world that could stop me from being with him. but i know that part of my heart is broken still, and i cant find a way to mend it.

i wish i had someone i could truly talk to about this, but i dont. times like this make me miss high school, when everything was so easy, and i could just go running to one of my friends and go "hey, i need to talk" and we would just sit together and chat until i felt better.

god, if my kids ever say high school sucks, im gonna smack them.

*sigh* i dont know what to do… i guess im reaching out for help.. or something….