Leaving the LDS Church–My Story

In 2005 I "met" a young man on another electronic journaling website. Adam* seemed like everything I wanted at the time–he was sensitive, earnestly living the gospel, searching for his eternal companion, creative, and pretty funny. His pictures indicated that he was quite the looker too. We started chatting online and had one brief phone call. During the course of our friendship he struggled on whether to serve a mission, indeed served a mission cut short by a knee injury, and married in the temple. Despite my leaving the church Adam was kind and emphasized to me that he enjoyed my friendship regardless of my religion.

Now Adam is dealing with the fallout after his falling out with the church. I know absolutely nothing about the vast majority of his social network on Facebook, but I see the same kind of people displaying the same kind of behavior they did toward me. People who tout themselves as Christ-like are publicly denigrating him for his choice to leave the church. Some have even cut ties with him due to his choice to leave the church.

This is all too familiar to me. It has been said that people can leave the church but they cannot leave it alone. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement because I find myself aching for those still awash in it. I have no wish to tear down anyone’s testimony, per se, but to open their eyes and help them rebuild a testimony based on truth and an unwavering unconditional faith in the trinity alone. Indeed, those who have a firm belief in the church will probably disregard this entry with maybe a passing feeling of anger, defensiveness, or even pity. I’ve been what I feel is devout; I know the mindset.

When I officially left the church in 2006 there were phases that most (not all) of my interactions with the church fit into:

1.) Kill me with kindness. I don’t really think anyone saw my leaving the church as a huge surprise. Despite being dubbed the "Golden Convert" by missionaries, I think once the glitter wore off I was left with too many questions and not enough answers. Even so, I saw an outpouring of love and support–if I stayed in the church. I received phone calls, letters, and visits from people expressing their love and Christ’s love, but it was clear that it was conditional on my coming back to the church. When I refused to waver on my convictions and phase one had run its course I experienced phase two…

2.) Pleadings, warnings, and threats. Once it became evident that I was officially having my name removed from the membership the tide turned. I was warned that I’d lose out of blessings of the gospel and access to the priesthood. This was fine with me because I didn’t believe in the "priesthood" anymore and I also knew that the LDS church didn’t have a monopoly on God’s blessings of kindness, mercy, charity, faith, hope, love, etc. What absolutely infuriated me was the threat of losing God’s love and favor. That despite all the evidence in the Bible of God’s unconditional love, because I chose not to believe in earthly modern-day prophets and follow their teachings instead of the teachings of Christ as followed by Christians for thousands of years, that God would turn his back on me. Imagine, Reader, how you would feel if I tried to tell you that because of your choices God no longer loved you. Wouldn’t it upset you too? I refused to be scared, coerced, or threatened back into the church so phase three commenced and only solidified my choice to leave and my belief that the church and indeed some of its followers were absolutely false.

3.) Complete and utter slander. Somewhere between phases one and two I remember Instant Messaging with the brother of a girl I went to the singles’ branch with. I had never met this guy before and barely knew his sister.  In this message he said that while he thought I was “sexy and cute” his mother had warned him not to date me because I’d been raped and I might accuse him of raping me too–as if it were a lie to begin with. Shortly thereafter I was summoned for a “council of love” with my branch president, which I refused to attend. I only met with him after I was assured it wasn’t a disciplinary meeting and that if it turned that way I would leave. At this meeting a laundry list of false accusations was read to me and it was reiterated that my rape was a consequence of “past indiscretions.” I’ve never been an assertive or aggressive person, but that policy was getting me nowhere in this fight for my freedom. At that point I explained why I believed Joseph Smith and his successors to be frauds and that I wanted no further communication from the church other than the official notice of my removal from the membership roles. I had simply had enough.

Of course the anger and animosity didn’t stop. The church may have officially acquiesced but the storm had just begun with the members. Long after I received my official notification of removal from membership roles in October 2006 (4 months after I requested it), I caught a glimpse of the antithesis of Christ-like love from some of the members. To be fair, there were and still are some members who have and continued to cherish my friendship outside of the realm of Mormonism. Those people (B.N.M., S.J.W., O.L.H., and C.W. [don’t know her middle initial…sorry!] to name a few) are those I fear hurting with this entry. Those people exhibit Christ-like love and despite our theological differences, I believe God smiles upon them for being so fabulous in so many ways. However, I endured some truly hateful, mean-spirited, bigoted, and arrogant abuse at the hands/keyboards of some members. The most venomous of these attackers accused me of simply not being able to “cut it” and leaving the church purely for petty reasons such as wanting to be able to be promiscuous and indulge in harmful activities such as drinking and smoking. They claimed that I knew “the gospel” was true, but I didn’t have the strength of character to live up to the expectations of the church and quit before I could fail miserably. Despite my counterargument that God never sets us up for failure I was written off as a whore, a drunk**, and an apostate.

True, I went through some troubled times after leaving the church, but it wasn’t much different before leaving. In August 2005 then-President Gordon B. Hinckley issued a challenge to all Latter-day Saints to read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year.

<font

size=”3″ face=”Calibri”>“Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God.” –Gordon B. Hinckley, Aug 2005 Ensign

Having then recently made my pilgrimage to the Salt Lake Mormon Mecca I felt even more motivated to do so. I had seen the motherland and wanted ever-so-badly to fit in, even planning a move to the Wasatch Front. I devoured the Book of Mormon within three weeks, reading it every spare second I got. I even sacrificed sleep to read, figuring that my body would be refreshed by the words on the page. Naively, I eagerly held out my hands to the heavens and waited for the blessings to pour forth and quench my soul. Instead, September 2005 was the darkest month of my life, and very nearly became the final month of my life due to the deep depression into which I sank. I had fulfilled the prophet’s request and his promise was broken.

Over the years my obedience and devoutness were interlaced. I would go weeks, months even, as a model convert only to fall back into old habits, which although not condoned by Christian churches, are not requirements for salvation. In order to obtain the highest level of salvation the LDS church taught me that I needed to receive sacred ordinances in the temple. Admittance to the temple was based on conditions such as paying full tithes, accepting and following Joseph Smith, Jr. and gang as modern-day prophets, and obeying the Word of Wisdom.*** Romans 3:24-25 teaches that we are “justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:8 says “For by grace are ye saved through faith: and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.” In my eyes the LDS church is saying that the atonement is in vain. It was a nice gesture that Jesus gave His life, hung on the cross and endured painful humiliation, but there’s temple rituals that need to be done to ensure that RSVP in Heaven. It seems convenient that the excuse of errors in translations is offered, but this theme of salvation through the spilling of Christ’s blood is repeated throughout the Bible, both Old and New Testament. Clearly that doesn’t give us the right to do as we will and ignore Biblical principles of charity, love, and mercy, but nowhere does it teach that our wallets and willpower get us a seat near the throne of the Almighty.

I realize I may have trampled on some testimonies in this entry. I may have even painted myself as an angry, bitter person with a hidden agenda. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hold a vendetta against the church. The missionaries wove a wonderful story of young, squeaky-clean Joseph in a meadow praying earnestly for the truth, receiving it, and following God’s will by restoring the true church to the earth. I was eased into the shallow end of the Mormon pool, doggy paddling among Christian-sounding doctrines and Kirby Heyborne movies. Eager to learn all I could about my new religion I immersed myself in BYU church history textbooks, Institute manuals, missionary training guides and my trusty Quad. I cannot be accused of not yearning for information, and of not doing my homework. When I asked for clarification of the less-palatable doctrines I was rebuffed and information was withheld for numerous reasons. Clearly one does not learn to swim by being thrown in the deep end of a pool, but when I asked for water wings to venture past the waist-deep waters of what is taught by missionaries to any ol’ investigator, I was denied. My thirst for knowledge was squelched, only adding to my frustration. I began dabbling in what was called “anti-Mormon” literature, which only added to my rapidly growing pile of questions. Instead of being frank and honest with me, I was told to stop allowing the Adversary to control me and just trust that God’s one and true church knows better. Once I stopped believing that, logic and the power of open-minded prayer (praying to God as God and not as the deity on the other end of the prophet’s prayers) helped me discover that the testimony I had been building wasn’t situated on a foundation of truth and righteousness. It was “close enough” for some, but not for me.

Do I believe Mormons are going to Hell? Honestly, I can’t say, nor is it my place to say. There is only one who can judge us and I believe that He will do so on an individual basis. I believe that the majority of Mormons are good-hearted people who believe what they have been taught and what they want to see. I wouldn’t say they’re naïve, I just believe they’ve built a life around a church and it’s more comfortable to stay put than to rock the boat. I also believe that there’s a misconception among Mormons that those who aren’t in their ranks are heathens. I am proof that it’s possible to leave the church and find Christ’s love. Just as I’m sure it angers Latter-day Saints to hear me voice my negative opinions about the church, it angers me when some of them display arrogance and resolutely refuse to examine their faith with any degree of openness. Instead of conducting research based on “we’re right, they’re wrong” start with a clean slate and see which side presents more compelling and truthful evidence without allowing emotions and personal history to create bias. Unfortunately, as Adam and I have discovered along with countless other “apostates”, the feelings we have against the church are mirrored right back to us, and I’m afraid neither side will come to a resolution in this life. This entry (Diatribe? Rant?) was intended to share my side of the story, to show that I didn’t leave for silly reasons or because of a lack of love and faith in Christ. I left because I felt the church didn’t match up with what I believe Christ taught.

If the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one true and correct church, I hope that their vision of God will understand that my heart is trying to follow Christ, and I couldn’t find Him within the confines of Mormonism. I also hope that in the off-chance I am allowed admittance to any level of their Heaven they have Funeral Potatoes and a flavor of Jell-o other than lime.

*Not his real name

**Shortly before I left the church I was told the fate of any future temple recommends relied on my attending regular AA meetings due to confessing to having drank at my 21st</s

up> birthday party. I went to 2 meetings before I left the church.

***Or bits and pieces of it, rather. While I was asked about my usage of alcohol (D&C 89:5-7) and tobacco (D&C 89:8), I was never asked about hot chocolate (D&C 89:9) or how often I enjoyed a juicy steak or burger (D&C 89:11-12) and whether that was sparingly enough to allow entrance to the temple.