The Curse of Novemeber

I’m supposed to be doing homework, but in the grand tradition of procrastination, I’m writing on here instead.  Oh, and have I mentioned that I hate the month of November?

Earlier today I was in such a good mood.  Things with Bobby have been going so well.  We have a cheat sheet for our relationship so to speak.  His church is focused on building the four relationships in our lives: with ourselves, with our neighbors, with others, and with God.  Right now we’re working on "block 2" of relationships.  Before Bobby and I met they did "block 1" which stated that in order to progress to the next block, relationships need to have three basic things: warmth, empathy, and respect.  In fact, these are things we should have for all people, but especially in the relationships that are worth pursuing.  It’s good to know that I passed the "block 1" test with Bobby.  Now we are in "block 2" which deals with self-disclosure, genuineness, and concreteness.  We are applying these lessons to our relationship and I think things are going quite well as a result.

So back to that good mood.  I think about Bobby a lot and think about how blessed I am to have him in my life.  He is exactly what I need and he came into my life at a time when I needed him the most!  The vast majority of the time just thinking about him is enough to make everything better.  This evening has been different and I wish I could be in his arms and feel safe–from my own thoughts–but I have homework and he had church this evening.  We tend to see each other 5 days a week (Wednesday-Sunday), and today is not typically one of those, so I’m battling things on my own (well, not really on my own…I told Bobby about some of what’s happening and he sent good thoughts my way).

I bombed my weightlifting final.  Our instructor asked who wanted to try the final today and after having read reviews about his class and how easy the final is, I decided to try it.  He asked me what exercise works the hamstrings and I blanked.  I reviewed in my head all of the different leg exercises we did except for one (which happened to be the correct answer and the one machine I hadn’t used due to the stress it puts on my kneecaps…I’m absolutely neurotic about my knees…just thinking about that machine is making me ill).  He gave me another chance, but I was so flustered I forgot what the deltoids were, so I got the next question wrong.  My instructor said I need to study more and I’ll get one more shot either Thursday or next week.  I tried to be endearing and make him understand that I do NOT fail classes (by the way, if I don’t pass this final I don’t pass the class), but he seemed irritated by me.  I’m not used to that sort of reaction from teachers.  I went back to do my workout and when the TA came around to tell me that I was doing the cable row wrong I started to cry.

Despite my attempts to replace the thoughts of possibly failing my weightlifting class with thoughts of Bobby, I’ve been in a pissy mood ever since.  I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it and not be upset about it, but I can’t seem to shake that feeling of irritability and fear.  In fact, I’ve been in a pissy mood off and on since Saturday afternoon.  I was sitting over at Carly’s parents’ house for the first time in over a month and Carly’s 5 year-old nephew Alex was sitting at the table across from me.  Carly’s sister Jeanne put a big dish of fresh veggies on the table and Alex dug in…double dipping his carrots into the dip.  I felt mortified and disgusted.

*LIGHTBULB* I’m not on my birth control pill.  That’s what it is!  Normally carrots wouldn’t piss me off, and I’d be able to get over a bad performance, but without those hormones coursing through my veins I’m just pissy.  I warned Bobby that if I’m still in a bad mood tomorrow night when we see each other I might not "play nice", which he didn’t seem to mind.  I’ve never had angry sex…seems like it wouldn’t be enjoyable unless both parties were pissed off about something.  Bobby’s so easy going I don’t think I could deliberately get him angry.

Maybe I should be quarantined for the entire month of November for bitch flu.