“You don’t seem angry, but I do. I do.”

Tonight’s title is brought to us by Lisa Loeb’s "I Do".

I used to have this annoying habit of severely dwelling on the past. I suppose that to some extent I still do, but I think that’s normal for everyone. Since Ken ended things between us I’ve been trying to put things behind me and move on. One of the things he said during our final blow-out was that he still wanted to be my friend.

Yeah…right.

I’ve decided that he does not deserve me on his terms. I was willing to give my love to him and only him for the rest of my life, but he didn’t want that. I thought it would be best for my heart to just cut him out of my life like a tumor. For instance, I have to drive past his apartment every day at some point because he lives right around the corner. I do not allow myself to look over at his apartment to see if his car is there. I haven’t done it since the breakup and I don’t intend to start anytime soon. Another method of keeping him out of my life has been to ignore his text messages. Then on Sunday, May 31 I get this one:

"Hi thought u might want to know bout my dad. He’s in hospice now soon he will be cancer free [sic]"

I had no response for him. Ever since October when we found out his dad had cancer again, I prayed with Ken, I cried with Ken, I comforted Ken, I sent flowers and cards to his family. Apparently that meant nothing to him in the end. I decided that I should send his family a card to let them know they’re in my thoughts and prayers. Inserted in the card was a note explaining that I had gotten a message from Ken that Roger was in Hospice, but the rest of the message was unclear (I couldn’t tell if he meant he was dying or if he was going to be one of those rare people who leaves Hospice alive). I couldn’t resist alluding to the fact that not only am I not a mess after the breakup, but that I’m actually thriving…of course I didn’t word it that way, I just mentioned the great things in my life such as graduating soon, Hobbes, Bobby, and NYU. I sent that card out on the 3rd of June.

Tuesday I was leaving my last final of (a treacherous) spring quarter and I was excitedly trying to find someone to celebrate over a beer or two with me when my phone went off. It was Ken again with this text message:

"Are u still at this number? [sic]"

I had three options. I could ignore him like I had been ever since a brief phone call about the phone plan a week after the breakup. I could write back with a sarcastic "DUH!" because he still pays for my phone. Or I could write back with a simple "Yes", which I chose to do. Then I get this message:

"Should I cancel or can u send checks for the phone bill. Hate to text this but my father went to b w the Lord last week. He’s cancer and pain free. [sic]"

Okay, first of all…way for him to bait me into talking to him. Secondly, way to show your priorities by mentioning the two in the same text message (with the info about the phone first). Thirdly, we already had this discussion about the phone.

I started crying. I couldn’t help it. I thought this man was going to be my father-in-law and I felt his family’s grief over his illness deeply. When Ken was hundreds of miles away from his family I was there to comfort him. I missed the funeral. Apparently he died the same day I got the first text (May 31) and the funeral was June 4th. I think I would have gone if I could have and if I had known about it.

I guess I’m just conflicted about how to feel about this. I’m still very angry at Ken for what he did to me, just nonchalantly throwing away my love like a used Kleenex, but I know he’s hurting right now. A large part of me thinks that Ken made his lonely bed and now he can lie in it…alone. Am I a monster for feeling this way?

"You don’t seem angry, but I do. I do."