sleeping in

I think this is the first saterday that I spend at my new home.  I still feel the sense of urgency to get going, but breakfast helps to ease that panick.  I can’t say how long I have been here exactly.  I live each day as one day only.  Three months…  maybe more 🙂  And this is the first Saterday that I can remember being in my room.
Is it my nature to be destructive?  Do I need help from another to sedate the panicked being inside of me? 

I watched Volver, featuring Penelope Cruz last night.  She is so amazingly beautiful.  The fantasy description of what you would want a woman to look like.  Amazing. 
You will not predict the story 🙂 What women thru-out the story are so strong!
It made me cry.  More like it shifted the plates inside the world of me and I was lost in grief for the rest of the night.  Sadness and mourning that disables.  I felt like a pregnant lobster… skin as thin as wet paper.

Anyway.

i live in the todays with shadows of anger and hurt that I still try to overcome. 
But……
How much can one endure?  I do not deny how sad I am .. how scared I am…. how hurt I am……

Can I really? Love the way a husband and wife do?
Can I love, the way a long term relationship should?

I was forced into a tight spot all my life
I have much stretching out to do.