Still Holding Hands

    There are only a couple of hours during the expanse of a whole day when my house is truly quiet and those belong to the last few moments before dawn breaks alive over the pond to awaken our visiting geese for the morn and spill its sunbeams across the west windows, peeking through the slats of the blinds in an effort to get in.  Our wee ones grab their pillows a little bit tighter and hold on tightly to the last breaths of sleep and I too savor this time I have to study more preciously as it slowly begins to slip away.  It is sacred time; the first fruits of the day where I am given much more than I deserve or can ever give back.  A time to be with God, alone, where I marinate in His Word and pray over His greatness.

    Carly quietly comes out of her room wrapped in her Hearts! Hearts! blankie and carrying Mr. Gorilla who says, "Baby, I love you!" when his hand is squeezed.  She snuggles up on the couch and lays her head on my lap to wait patiently for my eyes to open again.  When they do, they meet the worried eyes of this wee one, ringed in dark circles brought on by carrying the weight of yesterday’s world on her heart and I know my Carly has not slept at all – again.  Carly –> Puberty –> Flashbacks.  Our new storm consists of walking them out of the night terrors where the bogeymen were real.  "Mom," Carly whispers, "I hate this."

    "I know, baby."  Long strands of her hair glide through my fingers because it soothes her, and soothes me too.  "Let’s talk truth into them, okay?"

    "Okay," she replies and takes a deep breath.  "My name is Carly and I am loved like no other child.  My God loves me, my mom and dad love me, and everybody that comes here loves me too."  I can feel her start to relax as she continues, "I have a pretty pink bedroom that I love, doggies and kittens that I love, and everything is just fine.  I am safe."  Then she giggles, "And I have the biggest dad in the whole wide world to keep me safe!"

    "Yes," I’m laughing now too, "Yes, darlin’, you do have that."

    In our church service, there comes a time when the music is done and we sit down as our pastor approaches the podium to deliver the sermon he has worked on all week long.  After we’re sat and our Bibles are opened, Roo holds out his right hand and opens it – so that mine will lay upon it, barely covering his palm.  I think then, as I do so many times, how big his hand is.  One of those huge, huge hands that can hold a basketball all by itself.  Later, when the A/C has reached frozen meat capacity in the sanctuary and Roo senses my first shiver, he will slide out of his suit jacket and put it over my shoulders and I am again warmed, though engulfed.  I don’t try to put my arms through it anymore because they never find their way out and I’m sure I appear like a diminutive replica of myself hidden in his coat, but I am warmed and I am loved.  That’s my Roo – a man supersized and surrounded by little women.  Forever the keeper of the top shelves, the official opener of every jar, the attic man, the heavy lifter, the fericious spider killer, and the most importantly, Chief of the Princess Protection Program. 

    "Mom?"  

    "Uh huh?"

    "I used to think all big men were bad."  And there we are again, so near the hurt.  

    "Why Carly, that’s because you have to learn to look at men inside out."

    "What?!?  Mom, how in the world do you look at men inside out?"  Her giggles are real now and I think they may be staying for the day.  

    "It’s simple, Honey, because men are pretty simple when you get right down to it.  Who they are on the inside can be known by what they do on the outside.  See, bad men are really little, little men on the inside.  All that’s inside of them is themselves.  There’s nothing else in there to stretch them into the big men they need to be.  BUT, good men are really big on the inside.  Why, Sugar, if you could see the inside of a good man, you’d be amazed!"

    "So what’s inside of them that makes them good?"   She’s sitting up now, her eyebrows furrowed with question.

    "Well, first off, right in the very center of a good man is God.  A good man is first and foremost set in the knowledge that he is someone’s else’s child and that makes him a grateful man.  He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he belongs to someone, he is not his own.  Now, Honey, you have to know that it takes some stretching for that to happen.  God comes in and knocks the man who once lived there off his perch, sweeps out the icky pride, and takes up residence Himself right square there in the center.  But then God does something else."

    "What does He do, Mom?"

    "He keeps stretching, Doodle, He keeps stretching.  See, in order for a good man to be a big man, he has to have room in his heart for all the precious things God brings him to take care of.  And a good man knows to keep those things right there next to God so that he never forgets that they belong to God too.  Inside a big man is God, and all the people God brought the man to love."

    "But Mom, how can we tell if he is a good man?  How can we see him inside out?"  She really, really wants/needs/has to know.

    "A good man is God’s man so he’s always about God’s business.  And God’s business is for that man to take care of what God has entrusted him with.  You will know a good man because he holds the people God has entrusted him with as if they were the most precious of diamonds.  It’s not what he looks like on the outside that tells the story, it’s the inside that comes out of him."  I ruffle her head, "Now, how about we go get dressed for the day?  There’s some cookin’ to be done in this house, don’cha know!"

    Carly laughs as she gets up.  Talk time is done, and that’s okay because cooking time is starting again and she loves that too.  Lots and lots of cooking, I think we’ll have around 60 come by tomorrow and goodness, would you just look at the time, we’ve got to get on it.  But,for a second she pauses at the door and turns with one last thing……"Mom.  You know you just described Dad, right?"  

    Yes, yes I did.  

    Happy Anniversary Roo.  How I love you so.

Lama