a very distracted review (Hobbit spoilers!)

I’m going to go through a blow-by-blow run through of the movie, as I can recall it now that it’s been like four days since I watched it. There will probably be parts missing that I’ll come back to later, but I can’t be bothered right now because I’m way too preoccupied.

The movie starts with the predictable opening of old Bilbo sitting down at his desk and looking at his Big Red Book and thinking, "well it’s about time to tell the whole story now, I guess."

And it launches into a big scene about Erebor (or the city under the Lonely Mountain) in its days of glory when Dale was still a booming town and the Dwarves of the Mountain were known all over for their wealth and skill. It’s all very nice and clean and pretty and grand, very storybook actually. Bilbo tells about the coming of Smaug and how everything burned and they were driven out and there’s a short bit where the Elf King, Thranduil shows up riding a moose with all his army in tow, but then when he sees the mountain decides better of it and rides back to Mirkwood because the dragon is just too big a deal.

No, they don’t show the dragon full on in the beginning, thankfully. But WTF, why’s Thranduil riding a moose?!? Legolas would never ride a moose (they’re father and son, btw. I learned that yesterday while watching The Two Towers).

Anyway.

This is the sort of add in that I more or less expected, sort of the same way they showed all the elves and men in Mordor when Sauron was at the height of his power and the Ring was cut from his hand. It’s much cleaner looking in The Hobbit, but this is sort of what I was expecting.

So then it gets into the story with Gandalf showing up at Bag End and Bilbo wishing him a series of Good Mornings, and then having a mark scratched on his door and all the Dwarves showing up. They even did the songs and that whole bit where the Dwarves are throwing around Bilbo’s dishes which was really rather more cheesy than I would have liked. They did add a small bit of the song ‘Under the Misty Mountains Cold’ which I really liked.

Anyway blah blah, they meet the Trolls and get all bundled into sacks, but it’s Bilbo his gets the credit for stalling the Trolls. Not Gandalf, who only broke a big rock in half to let the light shine through. Dumb. And the Dwarves were dumb in this scene too. But the trolls were properly nasty so I guess that’s good. The whole thing was just dumb. But they did get the two swords and Bilbo got his Sting and whatever.

And around this time is when you realize that, for some ungodly reason, they’re already being chased across the country by a gaggle of goblins riding Wargs (which don’t talk and aparently have no smarts at all). They are led by this Pale Goblin who somehow found out they were on this journey, and really hates Thorin and wants to kill him because Thorin cut off his arm while trying to take back Moria after the Lonely Mountain was lost to Smaug.

Now,  I don’t know if I’m just experiencing a royal brain fart, but I don’t remember any mention at all about this massive powerful Pale Goblin and I’m pretty sure that the reason the goblins were after them in the book is because they all caused havoc under the mountains and killed the Great Goblin and incited a blood lust.

Somewhere in here there’s a part where Radagast makes an actual appearance. Riding a sleigh pulled by giant rabbits. He’s a batshit crazy hermit, basically. In the movie they make him responsible for finding out there’s a Necromancer in the Greenwood (AKA Mirkwood) and that the ‘shade’ who will become the Witch Kind of Angmar has been resurrected.

Or something.

I was very disappointed with Radagast on the whole. And the spiders make their first appearance while he’s out in the woods trying to save a hedgehog from dying. The spiders didn’t talk, but were sufficiently big enough and sort of how I imagined them, but somehow specifically attracted to the evil there? I dunno.

So Radagast manages to get hold of a Morgul Blade, which as those of you who’ve seen the Lord of the Rings movies know, was what Frodo got stabbed with on Weathertop. Radagast gives the blade of Gandalf, who takes it to the White Council when the Company reaches Rivendel.

I was pretty happy with the meeting of the White Council. I do remember a mention of it in the Hobbit, or one of the other books. I effing love Galadriel, and Sarumon was still a good guy, more or less, and of course Elrond was there.

I think though that they made Galadriel rather more dramatic than they needed to. Yes she’s a high elf and yes she was around when the Silmarils were still a thing, but she was just sort of standing and turning and there was a lot of sunlight and music and the occasional secret telepathic conversation with Gandalf.

Still, she’s effing awesome.

And no, the Pale Goblin and the Great Goblin are not the same character.  They meet the Great Goblin and he’s properly disgusting.

On the whole I was rather disappointed with the goblins. I understand the need to ‘clean them up’ a bit, but they looked more like humanoid naked mole rats than actual proper goblins. You get used to the LotR goblins, you know? You expect them to have the same sort of look in The Hobbit, but they don’t.

I think though, that the Riddles in the Dark scene was definitely the best scene of the whole movie. It made me giggle, and I felt really bad for Gollum when he lost the Ring.

But their escape from the goblin tunnels was stupid. *sigh*

They got caught up the trees like they should have, and there was the throwing around of flaming pine cones, as is proper, but the eagles don’t talk and they don’t go to the eerie and talk to the bos eagle of any of that. They’re basically just set down on the Carrock with no explanation and then there’s a distant view of the Lonely Mountain, because THAT happened /sarcasm.

And that’s where the movie ended.

I uh….

First, I need to watch it again. I decided this about ten minutes into the movie. Everything written here is more an overwhelmed first impression about the add ins and the weird stupid story arc about the Pale Goblin that I’m not familiar with at all.

Second, I knew there were going to be add ins, I just wasn’t really prepared for what they were going to look like or how they were going to be implemented.

Third, coping with the fact that it’s trying to, more or less, be a cleaner version of the Lord of the Rings movies was surprisingly harder than I expected it it to be.

Fourth, there was a SHIT TON of noticeable CGI…

Fifth, neither the Wargs nor the Eagles have actually said a single word. Very disappointing. And WTF what are the SPIDERS doing there so early in the movie!? They haven’t even got to Mirkwood yet!

Sixth, You’d think all those idiots in the theater had never read the Silmarillion or The Hobbit before. Poor dumb ninnies. Don’t they know what the White Council is? And Sarumon wasn’t ALWAYS a bad guy! Stupids! Stop kicking my seat!

Seventh, Riddles in the Dark was the best scene in the whole movie. Poor Gollum.
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On the whole I just wasn’t pleased with it being so moshed up. I liked the fact that, when they actually got back to the real story, there was very little they changed. There are lots of lines from the actual book and they didn’t, on the whole, veer too far away from the story line and the quotes and things (with the exception of the Pale Goblin and the ridiculous bit about Radagast). I liked some of the add ins that pertained to the story of Thorin and why the other Dwarves would follow him to death if they had to. They got a good actor to play Thorin, and though I feel like he’s portrayed as being more grim than strictly necessary, I like Thorin’s character. I liked that his trust of Bilbo came slowly, but in the end, absolutely (since Bilbo saves Thorin’s life while the trees are burning down…?). Also, there was a very nice bit that Bilbo said when the Dwarves were questioning why he went through with the journey at all.  They say, "you don’t belong on this adventure. Go back to your hobbit hole where all your comfy things are and where you feel like you belong, and why did you come anyway if you’re always thinking of your home?" and Bilbo says "Yes, I do belong back at my hobbit hole. I miss it. I miss my books, and my armchair, and my comfy bed. It’s my home, but that’s just it. That’s why I’m here. Because you don’t have a home. It was taken from you. And I want to help you get it back, if I can." And he’s really very brave and I’m glad that Martin Freeman got to play Bilbo. I think he’s a perfect Bilbo.

But everything else was just… I don’t know. I didn’t like the way it felt, I guess. If that makes any sense. There was too much dramatic effect in some places and not enough in others, and too much emphasis on the Pale Goblin. It wasn’t dark enough where it needed to be either, like down in the Goblin tunnels where everything is supposed to be pitch black. And they were showing things in the very beginning that didn’t even have any bearing at all on the beginning of the story. And I can’t understand WHY the Wargs and the Eagles don’t talk! That’s really rather disappointing! I WANTED THE EAGLES TO TALK! Their part was so dismally small! What if they do that with Beorn!? What if his part in the whole thing is small and worthless too? I’ll hate Peter Jackson forever if he plays down Beorn’s part like he did the Eagles’.

And really, with the exception of Thorin, Fili, and Kili, the dwarves were disappointingly comic. I understand the need for the comics, but I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. I don’t think there was really a need for all the fake pudgy noses or any of that cosmetic nonsense. Braids in the beard? Yes, fine, but it was really too overdone. I feel like they got too artistic with some of the beards.

What else.

Oh, there was that scene where Elrond discovered the moon letters on the map. In the movie he had to take the map to a special crystaline pedestal to read it instead of just holding it to the light. Way more dramatic than it needed to be, again.

Wasn’t impressed with the Necromancer either. I really feel like he should have just been a shadow of a threat, you know? Like they really shouldn’t have included any of that at all except as a hint at darkness. But then, Gandalf hasn’t left the party yet, so who knows how that’s going to go.

They shouldn’t have included sight of the Necromancer.

I have to say though, aside from the damned moose, Thranduil is a sexy man… elf.

I’m sorry this is so jumbled. There’s so much on my mind right now and I haven’t bothered to really order anything. I just jotted things down as they came to me. I am just so, so stressed out and trying not to have a mental breakdown at work. I think, actually, that I’ll stop here and do a second review once I see the movie again. It will also give me time to clear my head a little bit and hopefully get over what I feel like could be a really really big disaster that I’ve planted myself firmly in the middle of.

I didn’t spell check either. I’m sorry.