Glutton For Punishment…

So I’m in Houston for a while. Not sure how long I’m going to be staying here, but I am going to be doing some serious job hunting….so at least that is my goal. Right now, I’m staying with my ex….my second ex, not the first. I guess now is a good time for a back story…

After Joe and I broke up on October 9, 2010, my best friend was there to help me out. Kevin helped me realize that Joe was not that great for me and I wasn’t so great for him either. Over the coarse of the next two days, our friendship grew even more and we started dating. I know, I know….I shouldn’t have jumped into another relationship, but we fell for each other hard. We had so many things in common and seem to fit perfectly together. It was going great but my Craziness® started growing. (I didn’t know it, but even back when I was with Joe I was effected by the Craziness®. When I read back over my old entries, I can see it.) After about 6 months, Kevin was told that he might have a job opportunity in Canada. We talked it over and decided that I would go with him. We would build a new life in a new country together. He was told that he would have to be up there by June, so that gave us about 3 months to make plans. As the time for him grew closer, my Craziness® was growing exponentially and he was starting to have issues as well. The week before he left for Canada, he told me that he was worried about our relationship. I wouldn’t be going up for at least a month (I couldn’t afford a ticket yet and had to secure a job to be able to stay up there), so he told me that he wanted to discuss the possibility of us having an open relationship until I got up there. His reasoning was because he said that he couldn’t go more than a week without any type of physically intimate contact with someone and he was afraid he’d "accidentally cheat on me". That sent my Craziness® over the edge. I had a mini-meltdown and told him that I wouldn’t be ok with this. I broke down crying and he consoled me. He told me that he would try to resist, but he couldn’t promise it. Out of fear of losing him, I agreed to have an open relationship just so long as he promised to tell me about who he would be with before it happened. Three days with him being in Canada, my mind started coming up with all sorts of horrible scenarios and I was constantly paranoid that he was cheating on me. I texted and called him incessantly, certain I would catch him doing something, until he eventually couldn’t take it any more.  We broke up by text message on June 6, 2011.For the next two weeks, I entered a massive depressive state.  I stopped eating and only drank liquor.  I missed 3 days of work.  Around mid-June, I hit rock bottom.  I had attempted suicide.  My friend Shelby helped me out and got me through the roughest part.  Since then, I have slowly gotten better.  I saw a therapist who helped me understand a lot about myself.  My Craziness® is much more under control now.

As bad as the break up was between me and Kevin, we still remained friends.  Over Labor Day weekend last year, Kevin had to move back to Houston because he never got the job in Canada and his visa ran out.  Whenever I would come to Houston to visit my family, I would make time to visit with Kevin.  At first, it was strictly platonic and felt good to be in each others company.  Over time, we started becoming intimate again, but not getting back together.  I started having problems with this but didn’t say anything about it because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend.  I would hear about different guys he was sleeping with and I would become so jealous and hurt.  He could tell that something was wrong with me, but I still wouldn’t say anything.    Eventually, at some point I can’t remember, I told him that I still had strong feelings for him and that I was still in love with him.  We talked about getting back together and he told me that he wasn’t ready to be in another relationship just yet.  Plus, he was still hoping to be able to find a job in Canada and go back.  I was heartbroken again, but this time, it wasn’t as bad as the first time.  I handled it very well, if I say so myself.

Since then, we’ve hung out many times.  We always have a good time together and get along great.  Sometimes we are intimate, sometimes we aren’t.  But every time we are together, a little part of my heart tries to convince me that this might be the time I can convince him to get back together with me.  But I know that it won’t happen.

Back to present day.  I’m in Houston looking for a job and staying with Kevin.  He’s laying in bed next to me right now sleeping.  When I look at him, I can feel my heart skip a beat and flutter.  But I have to keep this under control. 

Well, I’m about to fall asleep myself, so I should probably wrap this up.  I hope everything I wrote made sense.  I’m to tired to try to re-read through it.  I’m sure I left a bunch out and that there will be more later.

Edit:  Reading over this now the next day, I got some things out of order, but the jist of it all is correct.  And there are some big gaps….but what the hell…..it was 2am and I was sleepy…  🙂