Overdue Confessions, Part I…

Early on in Joe’s and my relationship, we had some troubles.  After being together for about 3 years, I had lost my job and was living off of him.  I would stay up all night on the computer chatting with friends and sleep all day.  For almost 5 months, I did absolutely nothing.  He paid my car note and insurance, bought the groceries, paid all the bills…everything.  One day I realized what I was doing and it sickened me.  I didn’t want to be a leech on someone, but that’s exactly what I was.  I made the decision that I had to start taking care of myself and not be dependant on anyone ever again.  Without any warning, I told Joe I was moving out.

He took it pretty hard, considering he never once complained about taking care of me.  I don’t blame him.  At 24, I wasn’t the most tactful person and I probably could have done it better than to just blurt out "I think I’m going to be moving out tomorrow.  Sorry."  He was devistated.  He kept asking me what he did wrong and telling me that I didn’t have to go.  I’ll always hate myself for hurting him that bad, but it was necessary for me to leave and learn to be my own person.  I was so afraid that the only reason I was staying with him was because he was paying for everything and I didn’t want to be some stupid little fag who bounced around from man to man looking for his next daddy to take care of him.  I was scared that the only reason he let me stay with him was because he felt he had to…like it was his responsibility and obligation and not because he wanted me to be there.

I told him that while we were apart, I wanted a complete break.  I needed to find out for myself if I was really with him because I loved him or if because I was just using him.  I told him I wanted him to make new friends and maybe even go out with someone else to see if maybe he felt the same way.  This was also when I made the decision to come out to my family.  It was a very stressful year…

I got a job and I moved in with my friend Zane for a couple of month before getting my own apartment.  I started paying my own bills for the first time in my life.  I was completely responsible for my own self.  My mom offered to help me with bills, but I refused.  I wanted to totally independent.  For about 4 or 5 months I didn’t talk to Joe, even though he constant sent me emails, telling me to stop all this and come home.  It tore my heart up every time he wrote to me.  I kept explaining why I was doing what I was doing to him, but he didn’t care why.  He just wanted me home.  I told him that I won’t be moving back in with him for at least a year (that was the lease I got for my apartment), but if he was willing, I wanted to start dating him again. 

When we first met, we only had 3 dates before he gave me the key to his house and I was practically living there until I officially moved in 2 months later.  So we moved very fast in our relationship.  I wanted for us to get to know each other again and to find out if we really were meant for each other or if we were together just because we both needed someone.  After a few months of "dates", I realized that I did love him. 

When he told me his step dad was selling the house he was living in, I told him that we could find an apartment together and we did.  We were back together, but he had changed.  He didn’t talk to me as much as before.  When I asked him questions, I usually got one word answers.  He didn’t go to sleep with his arm around me any more.  He quit holding my hand while we were in the car.  It was a lot of little things like that.  And after 3 years, things came to a head again…

(to be continued…)