2/5/08

I know you’ve all noticed my status’ and display names (on myspace… http://www.myspaec.com/smichael1982). So here’s a glimpse into what’s going on.

I think any and everyone can relate to this.

Have you ever felt like you were in the "fight of your life" (also the title of Kirk Franklins new cd, you should go pick you up a copy). Like honestly the battle for you’re remaining on this planet. Well that’s where I am right now. My life has turned into world war III to the 10th power. I know I’ve been through a lot and been in many battles before. But this one is sooo different. It’s like the enemy is truly trying to destroy me with this one, so I never get back up. Like he is literally trying to take my life and take me out of here. I have never felt this way before and to be honest with you. I AM SCARED!!! (I’m trying not to cry as I write this, because I’m in the library). But I have a small hope, because I know that if/when I come thru this it will be the turning point in my life. This is one of those make you or break you situations. Only problem is I feel so close to breaking.

I dunno if I can do this. I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it. I mean I got people trying to be good friends and encourage me and be there for me. But like a friend told me today, there comes a battle you have to fight by yourself (with God of course, but no other people). This seems to be that battle. Because the enemy is not just throwing new stuff (my current situation) at me, he’s going to the past as well. Stuff I thought I was over and had already dealt with (but obviously I haven’t).

I try to move on and move past it all. But it’s like one of movies where sooner or later the main character has to take a stand, turn around, and fight. But I don’t feel like fighting. I’m too afraid of what will happen if I lose. It’s like I’m trapped and the only way out is to fight. I wanna give up, just quit, and call it a day. But soo many people would be so upset with me. But who am I suppose to be fighting for? Me or them? Better yet, what am I suppose to be fighting for? I have no clue. I just wanna surrender and tell the enemy take whatever you want. I’m just tired of hurting and tired of crying. I’m tired of smiling thru the pain. Pretending things are ok when they are most certainly not. But I can’t show my hurt, because then you got people thinking I want their pity and trying to give it to me. The last thing I want or need is pity. I write in here as a form of release, hoping it will help. Plus for those few (and I mean few) people who read this and truly care (I thank and appreciate you so much). Since I don’t talk to them or share much anymore.

 I know this still wasn’t really specific, but I don’t wanna mention people or situations. Because I don’t want anyone feeling like this is their fault. Because it’s no one’s fault but my own. I made the decisions and choices in my life that have gotten me here. So I take full responsibility for this fight.

 To Be Continued??? Hopefully…