Just For You

ok, this site and the people i have met on here have truly impacted my life greatly. there is one person right now who has grabbed my heart and my attention. this entry is for her in response to her latest entry.

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO HOLD ON!!! ok, i kno my story isnt like yours but it is my story. i hope it encourages you and gives you hope. this is gonna be long (sorry), and this is only a portion of my story. i’ve never really shared all of this before, but this is JUST FOR YOU

 lets start from where you did. i was about 8 and i had a solo in my fall concert. like most little boys we want our fathers approval and for him to be there and stuff. so the night of the concert, just before the song with my solo. i look for my father in the audience to be there and he isnt. i kno to most of you that sounds small, but my father missed so many thing. tee-ball, baseball, concerts, and other things i just wanted him to see and be a part of. but this concert sticks out as the turning point for me. after this i begun to have hatred my father. this inturn ruined every male relationship i had after that. after some time i came to understand that my father worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to make sure i had. but i didnt want anything more than i wanted him to be there and be a part of my life. what bothered me even more tho was the fact that he worked so hard and i still went without. i remember being hungry, going over friends houses after school so i could eat. stayin at their houses for the weekend so we could save food and be able to take a bath. i mean there was even a 3 to 6 month period where we lived with another family. there was 6 of us and 6 of them and they had a new born; all in a 4 bed room . i cant call it a house, because technically they call it an apt., i dunno how this happened. my mom went back to school to become a nurse hoping that would help our financial problems. but i guess my parents are just bad with money. the worst part of my childhood is the fact i dont recall my parents ever saying they were proud of anything i did. not even my finger painting when i was in pre-school. again, my problems my not be yours and we may deal with certain thing differently and different things may cause each of us problems. but these are (or were) my struggles in life.

then lets see, as i went through school teachers all told me i was smart and bright and could do or be anything if i applied myself. but with my depression, low self-esteem, and other issues it was hard for me to apply myself. so when i graduated college didnt seem possible, so i got talked into going into the military. but my love for my family ended that after about a year and a half. then, again because i wanted to be loved and accpeted so bad i got into a bad habit of to be honest hanging with this guy. all we did was call up a PL (party line) or get online and meet girls and then travel to go see them. i was still getting military money at the time so everything was on me. i paid car notes, bought gas, and paid for hotel rooms and food 5 days a week at least.  until one day we went to see the wrong person. she lied to my boy and said she was 16 or 17 (not like that made a differnce, because we were 19 and 20). so her family called the police and as it turns out taking a minor across state lines without parental consent is considered kidnapping. so of course we got charges. the military was looking for me, so they told the police to lock me up and hold me until they came to get me, since the charges where dropped.

*REWIND* for those of you that dont kno i was a good child. always in church and doing for others and wats right. one of the kindest, most caring, loving, and compassionate children ever. never been in trouble for anything, no even in school. didnt fight back and had never been a fight.

 so after this i go to prison, bcause DE (delaware) doesnt have jails (so i’m told). atthis time i’m 19 years old. i spend the next year watching my neice, i spent more time with here than anyone. i was the one waking up in the night and running to her. i was the one not goin out to watch her. i did it all, so my sister could still do her thing. finally i find a female that i thought would change my life. that lasted three years and ended badly. now i’m 21 and i just had the only person i thought ever loved me leave me (thats a whole other story). i spent the last 2 years of that relationship tryin to get into school, but no one will give me any financial aid and the military cant help, because of the way i got out (another one of those stories). so at 21 i spend the next year after the break up just laying on the couch. i mean i didnt get up t odo anything but go to the kitchen and use the bathroom. i didnt shower, change, or anything. (yeah, i know thats nasty, but its true). so now i’m 23 i finally pull myself together enough to get back on the computer. i ran into some really good people, one of whom turned me onto this site (*wink*). i try gettin into college again and again no one can give me any financial aid. so at 23 with no job, living with my mother, not trusting anyone, and not believing in love or anything like it i was ready to give up. i said "ok God this is the last time, if i dont get in this time forget it, i’ll work myself to death like my father." after i had already promised i wouldnt do that (another story for later).

then out of no where a school in TN (tennessee) call me asking me if i still wanna go to college. i guess they got my name from some online college thing i did, i mean i had done tons of those. i tell God "if you want me to go, then your gonna have to pay for everything, because my entire family has bad credit." the school calls me the weekend before freshmen orientation telling me they can pay for everything. WTF!!! schools in my own state, which is suppose to be able to be cheaper and give me in-state money couldnt give me anything. they tell me i have a week to decide. Well, here i am and the school has already sent me a letter in the mail saying there gonna do the same thing and pay for next year as well.

I mean, if i dont know anything else i kno that GOD IS GOOD… and he can do anything he wants to do. i dunno why i’m here, why he picked this school (because its a Christian school and i am not cut out for this). but i have learned to trust him, he knows best.

i said all of this to let you kno that college is possible for you. i’ve been reading your entries for a while and after reading your latest one i know your a strong person and can do it. just hold on, trust God, and no matter wat NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! like i said before i will do anything and everything i can to help. ummm… i have a gang of resources

and people i can contact that may be able to help. but no one can help you better than God, so i’m gonna keep on praying for you. you are on the top of my prayer list, because you deserve to be where i am more than i do (trust me). my contact information is on my front page, feel free to hit me up anytime.

again i say, be encouraged. hold on, have faith, and trust God. you have someone on your side, praying on your behalf and behind you 100%.  if you dont believe me ask anyone who knows me, they’ll tell you i mean every word i’m saying. i know it may be hard to believe, but its just how God made me; to care about (his) people. hope this helped, i know it helped me to get it out. so yu be good. i’m here for you anytime of anyday.