My Mind

let’s see, today i feel like dumping some of my mind onto this thing. so, since i’m grown thats wat i’m gonna do.

School- ok, classes are goin ok. my grades are ok too. i talked with the head of the psych dept. and now i have a better idea of what i’m goin to do. i was contemplating leaving, transfering, or something like that.  but the school i go  to isn’t that good, so i’m not sure if most schools would except my credits. so, the best course of action seems to be staying here, getting my degree, and then Grad school. because its seems that if i get my degree, keep my grades up, and do good on the GRE (i think thats wat it is), then most schools will be more willing  to take me.

The Fellas- me and three guys here have decided to get together everynight and just talk. you kno share and dicuss stuff. like, i told them a few of my life stories, which they found amusing (but they weren’t amusing).well lastnight we spent two hours talkin, because i see the world, religion, and things a little differently than most people. so, we kept goin back and forth for a while until we finally decided to just call it a night. i’ve never had guy friends before i came down here. so all of this is a little different for me.

Females- where do i begin? all of my friends are female, except for the few guys i associate with here. fisrt, i hav a friend who is going to go get an abortion today. i pray she changes her mind. we hav talked for hours these past few days and she doesn’t sound like she wants to do it. her only concern really is that he’s not ready to grow up. then i hav another friend who just had sn abortion and now she’s goin through, she’s regreting it. her baby daddy just cussed her out, i’m not sure why she suppose to be callin me back to tell me. then, there’s this girl. she wants to go out fir valentines day, so she says. but she has games all week and then this weekend she’s goin home to celebrate V’day wit this guy (i guess they either together or tryin to get back together, i dunno). then my big hang up is i’m so afraid of commitment and relationships right now, that i hav a lot of femlaes who claim to be interested in me and who i could be interested in. the problem is they all talkin about bein wit me and V’day and stuff. i dont wanna hurt anyone, but i let them all kno we just friends. but some get my caring and concerned cinfused with feelings and think i really wanna be with them. so i’m stuck tryin to figure out wat to do for V’day and how not to hurt people. like one girl doenst want me talkin to no other females. another one thinks i’m coming back to her after i finish school. these women are looney, because we are not together. some of them i dont even wanna talk to, let alone be with. but see, when i was hurt, i was out there talkin to random females and i’m a good friend. i kno how to make a female feel special and loved. but why do they assume because i do that that i wanna date them? wy i cant i just be a good friend? i could talk about this subject for days as you can see. because females are such a big part of my life and my hurt.

Personal- i’m hurt. i’m scared. i’m afraid. of wat you ask? life, love, and the persuit of happyness. i was thinking and one of my biggest fears is of being happy, after wat has happened to me each time i thought or tried to be happy. i just dont kno if i wanna go there again. life scares me, because i’m unsure of wats next for me. love is just a scary thing no matter who you are. everytime i think i find a female that could make me happy, even if only for a while she says "your such a good friend, i dont wanna ruin that". WTF?!! i dont get it. then he ones that do wanna be with me, i’m not really feelin. its like some f*^ked up game i’m in. i need a job. i want some pussy. i havn’t talked or felt pussy in over a year. this is ludacris, wat is so wrong with me? maybe i wa sput here to help other be happy and never be happy myself. i dunno… i’m about to go to the mall, so i’ll holla later. ya’ll be good