purgatory

I felt completely horrible all day today.  I did something really stupid last night, and someone I considered a friend called me out on it, and un-favorited me.  She had every reason to, and I don’t blame her or any of you if you never speak to me again.  I wasn’t thinking at all the other night when I chose to drive home, and even the other morning after I did the edit on yesterdays entry, I still sound like I didn’t care about what I did, that it didn’t matter.  I really started thinking about it though, what if something had happened?  What if someone just as dumb as me ever crashed into my mom?  In a way, doing what I did last night didn’t seem like such a big deal, until I actually thought about it. 

I went to town, and I felt like I had some big sign, "Guilty.  I drove drunk, I’m an asshole and I could have killed you or someone you love"  I felt like everyone knew, and everyone hated me for it.  I felt like I really had hurt someone last night.  Well, I did hurt someone, I hurt a lot of people actually.  I hurt anyone who’s ever lost a friend or a family member to some jerk like me who thought they were ok to drive.  Actually, I’m even more of a jerk because I KNEW that I shouldn’t have driven home.  Any other time that I’ve even been buzzed I’ve been smart enough to not drive.  I’ve wated for it to wear off, I’ve walked home, I’ve had someone pick me up.  So what the hell was I thinking last night?  Maybe it was still that self-destructive chant in my head.  How my friends kept talking about what had happened that afternoon, and how I should just quit.  And how much I just wanted to talk and cry to my mom about everything, and how alone I felt.  And maybe, deep down, that self-destructive voice was chanting, I don’t care…  I don’t care… you deserve what ever happens to you…  And I never thought about how it would effect anyone else. 

And I’m glad Jo did what she did, because other wise, maybe I never would have thought about it.  I may have never realized what a horrible, selfish thing I’d done.  And though losing the friendship of someone I admire and respect is a horrible thing, it’s not so horrible as crashing my car into someone.  This way, I lose a friend, but no one had to physically get hurt or die to make me fully realize how stupid I’d been.  I know that saying I’m sorry doesn’t un-do what I did, but I am sorry.  And not just sorry that I lost a friend, but sorry that I did something so reckless without any consideration for anyone else.  Though I will swear to you all that it will never happen again.