And Now, Something We’ve All Been Waiting For…

Tonight after work my friend Tawnee (the little cutie pie that just turned 21) asked me for a ride to Applebee’s. (which is a little funny becuase it’s just across the parking lot, I mean it’s a big parking lot, but still!)  But of course I gave her a ride, and she was telling me how it was supposed to be her and her boyfriend’s belated valentine’s dinner, but he went and invited her mom for some reason. (Which isn’t as bad as it sounds, Tawnee and her mom get along like my mom and I.)  Carrie (That would be Tawnee’s mom) Tawnee and I all work in the same craft store.  So Tawnee asked me if I wanted to join them.  I was game, since it wasn’t like I’d planned on doing anything else tonight (aside from killing a bottle of wine) So I called my mom to let her know where I was, and she tells me that I have a letter from Matt.  ~sigh~  She asked if I wanted her to read it to me, I said no, it can wait, it’s obviously not good news anyway, so I’ll just read it when I get home.

And despite knowing about that letter, I had a really good time.  Carrie really cracks me up!  It’s probably a good thing we work in different departments and don’t see each other a lot a work, we’d probably get in trouble all the time!!  – Oh, side track to tell a funny story, once, this old lady came in with one of those little fake birds, and was asking me if we sold the clip things like what was on the bottom of the bird.  So I take her up to floral, and I’m asking Carrie, if we sell these little clip things, and trying to motion and show her the clip, because I’m not going to come right out and say, "Hey, do we sell roach clips?" (I mean as far as I know, they don’t have another name!)  But then Carrie sees what I’m talking about, and she kinda starts laughing, and I guess I had a similar reaction in the first place, becuase later the lady asked Carrie if there was something funny or wrong about the clips becuase we had both acted strangely.  Carrie just played dumb, she told me latter that she wasn’t about to explain what a roach clip was to some old lady! ~L~

ANYWAY!  I was cracking up the whole time, and I drank more than I planned on.  I ordered a red apple sangria, then Tawnee didn’t want her cosmopolitain, then Carrie discovered that when you order a perfect margarita, you get the whole shaker full, which is like 3 or 4 drinks, and she ordered a second one, not realizing how much was left from the first!  So I drank pretty much all of the second one, and about half of the first one!  I didn’t feel as buzzed as I should have though, but I’m still glad I don’t live that far away!  

Mom was still up when I got home, I think she wanted to read the letter more than I did.  I kinda just wanted to go, ok, that’s my, "I’m flattered but not interested" responce, and let it go at that. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to actually do that and not read it, but I kinda wanted to!  He typed it, instead of writing it, which is only a bummer because I could have pulled out my handwriting analysis book and had him all figured out… ~L~  All right, enough, here it is in it’s entirety: 

Lisa,

I hope this doesn’t seem too impersonal, but my handwriting is pretty bad, so I decided to type it.  I’ve been thinking a lot over the past 7 days, and am writing you becuase you deserve a responce.  What you did (writing the valentine) was more gutsy that I could ever hope to be.

There is really no easy way to put this, so I’ll just say it as best as I can: I am a believer in true love, and that people should only get together if a mutual feeling of true love (not based on lust, greed, impromptu feelings, etc.) is recognized between them.  It the whole world were to follow this, there would be little divorce, and marriage would be a much more sacred union that it is viewed today.  I’ve honestly only fallen in love with 5 women in my entire life, and in each case, I knew it within days of meeting them.  I won’t get into details as to why I’m not with any of them, other than, in some cases, they didn’t have the same feeling toward me (thus eliminating the "mutual feeling").  This is possibly the situation that we are facing here.  In the two or better years that I have known you, I just haven’t felt the feeling of true romantic love for you.  Please don’t take this personally as it is not in any way your fault.  In fact, it’s actually mine.  I view you as a good friend and hope that that won’t change.

While there may be hurt feelings now, I hope that time will mend things up.  I hope to be back to kickboxing within a couple of months.  If you choose not to talk to me, I won’t be offended.  I only wish to put this into the past, and continue our friendship.

Take care, Matt

First, I cried, then I bitched about men and how they obviously don’t know the difference between "love" (actually getting to know someone and lving them for the unique, funny and charming individual that they are) and "lust" (when you decide within a few days of first seeing someone that you "love" them!) And I am contemplating if I should send him a letter in return pointing out this fact, or at least stating for the record (again, as I did mention it in the disclaimer) that I don’t LOVE him – BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HIM THAT WELL.  ~sigh~  And it’s always been my belief that you can’t really love anyone that you don’t know.

Next, I questioned all my motivations behind liking him, and wondering how off my preceptions were.  I really thought I could tell the difference between a guy just being nice to me, and a guy being interested in me.  (Though maybe I wanted him to be interested in me so much that I read more into it than there was?)  Really, the main thing that propted me into taking action was thinking that he was interested in me as well.  If I didn’t think he was, it wouldn’t have gone beyond me thinking he was cute.

Then, I got all down on myself and cried some more.  You know, damn me for not being thin enough to have someone fall in love with me on sight!  And how I hate it when it seems like the only reason I should lose weight is so some damn stupid guy will want me.  Ugh.  Don’t worry, I’m over it now! Though you know, my mom gets kinda mad at me when she can’t pull me out of my funk as quickly as she’s used to.  For the most part, it doesn’t take long for her to make me feel better and make me move on, but sometimes, well, sometimes you just feel like being down a little longer!  She doesn’t handle that part well, I’m moping on myself, and finally she’s tired of it and pulls out the "so what? It’s just all pointless and we should take out a gun and shoot ourselves!?" Good lord mother.  It’s so out of character for her, and I called her on it latter.  Like man, you really get upset when I don’t cheer up right away!  That thought would have never, in a million years came into my head! I just need to mope a little longer, then I’ll pull myself out of it!

And I did.  I got practical about it, and I thought, you know, I’d be concerned if he did have some true romantic love fe

elings for me. Honestly. Becuase even in the two plus years I’ve known him, (like I said about a dozen times all ready) I don’t love him.  I would really doubt the sincerity behind those feelings, not to meantion the lack of a connection that would spark them.  I’ve had guys tell me they love me after a couple of weeks, and I’ve always been like, man, you don’t know me well enough to love me.  It really is premature.  (God, I’m not mad that he doesn’t love me, I’m mad that he thinks he should love me all ready!)

I told mom that maybe I should write him and at least tell him that I really did mean it when I said that I wouldn’t treat him any differently, and that I appreciate the responce, because it is better than my coma scenario.  Though I was thinking I should tell him about that, and tell him that he needs to apologize to my mom, since now she’ll never get to meet Steve! (Remember, the commander of the Scandinavian army?) ~L~  Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll write him back.  Though I think I might, definately to tell him I have no intention of ignoring him, and maybe to share the whole love/lust theory?  I’d have to do that in a non-threatening way though, I don’t want him thinking I’m getting all bitchy and defensive or anything.  Maybe just the previous paragraph.  I’ll think about it.

I do feel a lot better now though.  I am glad that I got a responce, it at least restores my faith in his decency, even if it lessens my oppinion of him becuase of his stand point on "love". (Oh, poor love, it shouldn’t be stuck in quotation marks!)  And I’ve been angry and I’ve cried and I’m sure I’ve done all the other stages, and I’m accepting it.  So, moving on…

I really think I need a boy friend, or at least someone decent to make out with!  ~L~ It occured to me that it’s been six months since Jake ran back home, and like four or five months since other Jake (my drunken make out partner) got a girlfriend and we decided we couldn’t drunkenly make out any more. ~L~  Um, so yeah, NEXT!