Sadness and Hope

I was thinking earlier that I didn’t workout today and I was bummed about that, but then it occured to me that I went to kickboxing this morning. (duh!) Matt wasn’t there.  And it occured to me that all though I haven’t been completely crushed, I also haven’t been being my usual, completely disgustingly perky self either!  Actually, I’ve been being a bit of a cranky pants.  ~sigh~  I don’t mean to be.  I guess I’m a little mad, and disappointed, and not dilusional enough to just keep being all cheery right now.  Mom called me on my crabbyness tonight, and gently reminded me that she didn’t do anything to me.  I said I know, and I’m sorry, then I cried a bit… Though I suppose under the circumstances, I’m doing all right.  I just wish I wouldn’t feel so down about it.

After kickboxing we stopped at this one store that we like, they sell stationary type stuff and other nifty things.  They have these shimmery espresso colored envolopes that go perfectly with, well, um, my pre-planned, though I have no prospects, so I’m just crazy, wedding invitations.  ~L~ The thing is, they’re .75 cents each, so if I needed more than 150 of them, the damn envolopes would actually cost more than what I paid for the material for the dress. (Yes, completely crazy! ~L~ I know, most girls just dream about it and get an idea of what they want, they don’t actually buy all the stuff and have it all planned out and ready to go! I even have center pieces for goodness sakes! – I got the stuff at a 90% discount, with my 20% employee discount on top of that!  And the material, I had to buy it because I fell in love with it, and I would hate to wait until I’m actually going to get married, then turn around and they don’t sell it any more!  And I used a 50% off cupon for that too!  At least when I finally do get married it won’t cost much!)  So anyway… ~L~ I’m thinking maybe if I just buy a couple of envolopes at a time, it won’t be so bad! As long as I don’t keep reminding myself how much they cost total!

Anyway, later we went and saw a movie, "Because I Said So" which was good, then we came home and watched "Material Girls" which could have been better.  I managed to get some cleaning done, if I continue at this pace, maybe my whole room will be clean by the end of the month!  Mom made some valentines, and I designed a tattoo.  The other day while I was getting my hair cut, I was looking through a magazine and came across that little poem by Emily Dickinson: Hope is a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.  And I guess it just got me thinking about the whole valentine thing, about having courage to do things, and the hope that everything will turn out all right.  Since then, I’ve felt drawn to birds, and I was doodling a bird, and decided it would make a good tattoo.  I’m not sure when I’ll have it done.  The last 2 tattoos I got were done in the same place, but it’s 3 hours away.  So I have to decide if I want to wait until I can go back there again, or just have it done locally.  It will serve as a good reminder to follow my heart, be brave, and never stop having hope.