Insomnia

So it’s spring now and I’m having my sleeping issues again. It’s been almost a week I can get no sleep at night and feel tired as hell during the day. I go to bed and fall asleep just for one hour then I wake up slowly, still can’t open my eyes or move, just realize I’m in bed and not sleeping… And so I can lie there sleepless for hours, till the crack of dawn or even longer. I keep running strange thoughts in my head, they so wear me out, I feel restless and agitated at the same time… God, what’s going on with me?..

I was in a similar state ten years ago when getting sick and being unaware of it. Back then I kept questioning the meaning of my life. Now I kind of know what I’m living for, still… It’s the same nervous restlessness mixed with some strange kind of euphoria.

Last night lying sleepless in bed I recalled Denis. It occurred when I was in hospital ten years ago. He was there too, gravely ill. And I was in love with him, secretly. All I could do was just hanging around him and his roommates. I would get high from time to time back those days. So one night when I was stoned enough to spill the beans I did it. I just took his skinny hand and  kissed it. And he pulled it away.

“I’m a human being. I need love” said I.

“Everybody does”.

“I just want you to know… Whatever happens… I will always…”

“Please, don’t continue.”

“You don’t like me at all?”

“Olya, I do, but the timing is not exactly right.”

God how ashamed I felt after that, how stupid and embarrassed!

And then he passed away…

I remembered Aidan. He lived in GB, I used to chat to him on Facebook. He was only 23 years old and he was a single dad of two baby boys. He was uneducated and totally illiterate. His way of spelling was like “It an’t nothin” “Neva new that” “Got sartin fo me boys” “Carnt breeze properdly” etc. It was freaking hard to understand him, but I’d learned to feel him like a blind man feels his way. I was so damn sorry for him, his miserable lonely life full of toil and hardships. No one but his “lil boys” cared about him. And, you know, pity and love are blood relations…

He was sick and never applied to doctors – he didn’t take it seriously. All he was conserned about were “me lil boys” as he would call them. Even when he came down he couldn’t stop worrying about them. They meant the world to him, nothing else mattered.

One day he went offline and never came back on. I cried buckets. But time heals, so I moved on…

Where are they now?.. Probably nowhere, we’ve been told for a hundred years that there’s no heaven, that God doesn’t exist. It’s so frightening to be gone and totally forgotten. I will never forget them, though…

It’s time to get down to work. And then there’ll be another sleepless night… probably.