Ramblings

Grandpa’s dog tag came in the mail the other day. It looks wonderful. I just need to get a shadow box to display it in.

This week at work was interesting. I called out Sunday because it was Easter and we were not even supposed to come in but one of our new managers made a really stupid decision to override the CEO–I’m sure that didn’t go over well. Sometimes, you can’t talk to people so rather than fight that fight, I just called out. I had a crap ton of homework due and there was no way I would have got it done if I didn’t call out, so I’m glad I did. My other manager, the one I really think the world of, is stepping down. Tomorrow when we go back she’ll be one of us. It is good though. The things the upper management put middle management through are borderline abusive. I’ve had four (about to be five) managers in three years come and go. Each of them has had a nervous breakdown. It is so sad to see. I made it a point to let them know I’m here for them even though I am just a peon on the totem pole. Sometimes, you need to know you’ve got an ally somewhere, you know? This latest manager, she is a little younger than me and in school as well. We graduate roughly around the same time next year. I have told her a billion times that school should be THE #1 priority, not this job. I’m glad she is making school her priority. I keep telling her no one is too good to flip a burger and if I needed to make some tacos at Taco Bell or put some fries in the fryer at Burger King to keep my house, I’d do it but I won’t be a manager and stress myself out to the point of being hospitalized for a job. Money comes and goes but you only live once. Money can’t be the reason we do everything in this world. Sometimes the money just isn’t worth it. It stinks that I’m the only remaining person though on the original crew. I’m glad though that I’ve stayed in my lane these past three years and kept to myself. I’ve only got 10 months to go and I’m able to start my next chapter.

My diet has been so bad. I ate an entire pizza yesterday for dinner. I never felt so bad about myself in my life! (Well, that may be an exaggeration…) It is funny because this is like the first time in my life that I care but don’t care about my weight. I’m more concerned about school and getting certified. I do need to pay more attention though to my diet. I’m thinking after these certifications are done, I’ll have more time and energy to go out in to my home gym I spent thousands last year on. LOL

I got myself out of bed this morning at 3:30 am and finished my final projects for Intermediate Accounting III and Principles in Finance. It took me until 10:30 or so to finish. Thank God because now I can enjoy the rest of my weekend as I please. I decided to go outside and replace the boards on the fence. I bought 20 of them at Lowes. I thought that would be enough but it turns out I need about 13 more. I stained some more of the fence but I’ve got a lot more to go until I’m completed. I left the gate open on the side of the house when I was disposing of the old boards. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because I knew I’d close it up. Do you ever just get a feeling the one time you don’t do something, that is the time something happens? I had a feeling that leaving the gate open would mean the man next door would either peek inside or come waltzing in. He chose to waltz in and asked me if I wanted to pull my car in my garage since he was about to mow his grass and I “always” pull it in when he mows. I know it sounds like a nice gesture, and I’m sure he meant it well, but the last part felt kind of passive-aggressive. Last week, when he started mowing, I pulled the car in real quick. It is a brand new fully loaded mustang, why wouldn’t I pull it in? I felt like he just said that in response to me pulling the Mustang in last week. As if he’s been waiting to bring it up. Mostly, I was just startled someone would feel comfortable walking into my backyard that I don’t even know. I’ve barely spoken to him in 3 or 4 years he’s lived next door. And when I have, it is because he is physically in my face. All I could muster up without being a total douchebag was “Okay.” I wish I could have said more but that’s all I had at the moment. He’s tried to be neighborly before. I was putting something gigantic in the back of the SUV and he came to help after I was almost done loading it up. I really didn’t need his help and I also felt a little uncomfortable with someone inside of my car that I don’t really know. I am totally weird about my spaces. That was after working 10 hours overnight, taking Grandpa to chemo for 6 hours and trying to balance school. I know it sounds freaking nuts but it is what it is. While I don’t want to be a dick to the guy, I also don’t want to be friends. And I feel like he’s one of those that won’t take the hint. So when something like what happened today happens, all of these thoughts race through my head and my brain is trying to be a mature, nice, neighborly person but there is a tug of war with the other side that wants to say “leave me alone, please, never ever speak to me again.” The folks on the opposite side of me, we get on well. I have not said two words to them in 10 years. And I like it that way! During the whole loading of the SUV thing he said “You work nights because I see you leave every night at around 8.” I didn’t know what to say other than “Yeah.” I remember working 9p-6am, getting Grandpa to dialysis from 8 am – 3 pm, and coming home and *finally* falling asleep at 5 pm (had to get up at 7 pm for work) and hearing a knock at my door. I thought oh well, I’ll just stay in bed and maybe they’ll leave. No, whoever it was kept knocking… so I got up. It was an old man. who wanted to talk about my house. WTF? I was up for 30 hours, beyond tired, I heard half of what he was talking about. It turns out his son (who now owns the house next door) was thinking of buying the house next door and the old man wanted to know how I liked my house. You can’t make this crap up. I know it sounds innocent but if they only knew what I was going through, they’d probably realize that crap was trivial and leave me be… I remember telling him… “I mean, I’m still here so I guess I like it. There is nothing wrong with my house but I can’t tell you about that house…maybe you should go check it out for yourself and see.” And the only other time I’ve come in contact with these people, I was trying to fix a shingle on the roof. I’m paranoid about seeing a slipping shingle. I’m also terrified of heights. I thought I’d go outside early in the morning before they woke up and work on the shingle in peace. That way, I could do the backward crab up the roof. I get halfway and the man is outside with his hands on his hips saying “You’re getting started early this morning dur hur.” I was so mad because I just wanted to be left alone to fix this damn shingle. I knew I looked mental which is why I was up at that hour trying to avoid people. He didn’t leave! He pulled up a chair and sat in the backyard facing me watching me. I got off the roof and went inside. ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I don’t want to be a dick but I feel like these little things have led me to feel the way I feel. I kind of just wish they’d take the hint and just leave me alone forever. My wheels spin and I just shut down and either don’t talk which signals I’m a dick or I say the bare minimum to not be a dick but be rude. I suppose the whole point of this story is that you never know what someone is going through. I know that works both ways but right now, I’m not in the headspace to play Leave It To Beaver. It seems so inauthentic and unnecessary. What are they going to do next, walk over with a measuring cup and ask for a cup of sugar? I know how I sound but I can’t be the only one who just wants to be left alone sometimes. I think that is part of depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and the grieving process…I wholeheartedly digress.

I’m sure a lot of this crapola is a direct result from my certification stress. I created a Reddit poll asking people if the practice exam was harder than the real deal, all of them said the practice exam was harder. I’m in my own head sabotaging myself with thoughts of inadequacy. Other people have studied a 10th of what I have and passed. Yet, I feel like I’m going to have to do the walk of shame out of there. I suppose since I’m going to have a hard time getting rid of those thoughts, I’ll just keep studying and doing as much as I can until it’s showtime.

I’m drained. I’m going to bed. I’ll probably roll over in the middle of the night and start studying.

I hope everyone reading this has a safe, fun, happy weekend.