Realizations

Came into work this morning.  What a mess!  Tuesday mornings are usually bad, which grocery and frozen and perishable trucks messing up the sorta neatness and order I like my receiving area to be in.  Not quite Mary Poppins level clean, but walk around not feeling like you’re in a maze clean.  This was just ridiculous though.  Everything everywhere with zero regard for anything.  There was a reason I came in 45 minutes early, and this put me at 4:15am, so not easy to do.  I think I needed even more time to get this craziness sorted.  For a second, I pondered just giving in to all this, this mess of frustrations and emotions and irrationalities my life has devolved into.  But I decided, you know what, that’s not what I would have wanted to write about tonight.  So I persevered, best I could, and did a fairly manageable job.  Corner I think about to be turned, with this remodel finishing up this week.  Still completely unnecessary, but whatever.

Then on one plus hour of sleep, drove 45 minutes to visit my mom and siblings.  Entertaining, per usual, no complaints there.  My relationships with them are about as good as they are going to get, to expect more or anything closer and more meaningful just doesn’t sound feasible, and I guess I should be grateful for what I do have in that dept.  

I bought a bottle of chocolate wine tonight.  It tastes exactly like someone spiked chocolate milk.  Sounds gross but tastes pretty good.  I’m not even sure why I’m drinking.  Right this second, I don’t even really want to; I just wanted to try it.  Things could change in 10 minutes though, so I may end up downing half the bottle.  No idea.  Like roulette.  Feelings come and go.  Thoughts linger and sometimes blow away like clouds.  I’m quite unstable like that.  No the right word is volatile.  Up and down and up and down, or maybe more level and down, level and down.  Right now, level.  Later, who knows.  My mind is filled with despair and hope, sadness and laughter, in a battle for my soul (sorry for the melodramatics).  I miss the things that made me feel safe and good and warm.  Nuzzling noses, cuddling on the couch, a kiss as I left for work.  I in no way miss my ex wife.  She’s in the past, and while those were largely great times for both of us, it ended, and I came to terms with that a long time ago.  But I still miss those little things.  They made me feel invincible.  I’ve been vulnerable ever since.  And nothing in my life has quite made me feel that whole ever since.  It’s bittersweet at best, completely debilitating at worst.  And so I drink my chocolate wine, celebrating another day of holding down the fort.  I truly believed after the Casi experience that my heart was dead, that I was now a heartless bastard.  I am not a particularly religious person, but my faith was in my heart, that it could take the beating of the whole world, and still, well, beat.  And what I’ve learned the last week is that, yes, it still does, even if I don’t think it can.  I surprise myself sometimes.

I think I need new shoes.

Work just destroys these things.  I think I’ve had them a year though.  Yes that is my foot sneaking in there.  No, they’re not hairy feet.