Tears of river

After I rote the last entry today, things were going ok… Until… I found Joshua in the bathroom at the store playing with the toilet water. He was soaked from the top to bottom and drinking it. I had to strip him down and gave him a quick shower in the utility sink. Jays cleaned the toilet with the Chlorox and left the chemical in the toilet bowl for few minutes to do its job. I was feeding the baby. I sensed something and went to the bathroom and saw Joshua playing with the water in the toilet again! We were furious and shocked. He seemed to drink the water again. We put Joshua in the utility sink and soaped him down and I tried to wash his mouth and nose and eyes as much as I can while I was crying. The warm water ran out and turned cold, but I had to keep going. Jays was very angry, not tward Joshua but at life and himself. I didn’t have any more extra clothes and Jays gave him his extra shirt. I put Joshua on the desk chair in front of the electric heater. I put Joshua’s feet on my knees and patted his feet. I was bawling. My heart ached and felt like bleeding in the heart. I cried so much, my eyes burnt. The whole world seemed clapsing upon me and I felt so hopeless. Sometimes, to tell the truth, I wish I could just die with Joshua. I’m so scared what would happen to Joshua after both of us pass away. I decided to watch Joshua at home with other kids when Joshua doesn’t go to school. It would be tough on me, but its safer for my son.

We’re back home now. We’re going to eat galbee. We calmed down and said lets stick together tighter and get thru this. Joshua is sleeping on the couch right now. I feel so bad for him. Today is over and tomorrow is a brand new day. I love my son no matter what and will never give up on him.

Monday is my birthday. I’m thinking about sending my mom a small vase of flower thanking her for delivering me to this world so that I can enjoy this beautiful life regardless of all the things I have to go thu.

Goodnight everyone and have a blessing Sunday!