Pushing myself forward

I sorted out all the kids’ clothes yesterday. They were just piling up in the corner and here and there. I meant to do that for weeks. I’m glad I finally did. I could’ve sold some of Joshua’s clothes, but I gave all of the small clothes to my cousin for his boys. I think they have more difficult time financially than us. I left couple good clothes for my nephew. I used to give all the boy’s clothes to him before, and I gave all my small clothes to my sil. They are good clothes when I bought them before Joshua’s born and hoped to fit in them again one day but decided I should let them go. The clothes are kind of tight for the sil, too, but she still wanted them. My brother once said he dislikes his wife and son getting old clothes, so I stopped giving to them after he said that. He always buys expensive clothes and shoes for his son anyway.

I was feeling extremely tired yesterday. I felt like I was carrying like 200lbs rocks on my back and on my crotch. Each step I took was very painful. I don’t know how I can last next few weeks like this. Additionally, my mom started giving me hard time again. She feels obligated coming here every day even though I told her she doesn’t have to. I just don’t know how to talk to her. She snaps about everything. She was affecting me so bad mentally. I wish I could just leave here with Jays instead of waiting 2 months after he does. I’m diligent about pricking my finger 4 times a day. I’m really cautious with food. The numbers are staying under 90 most of the time. I’m still not used to the needles, though. At the end of the day before I lied down to sleep, I finally broke down. I wept. I was just sitting down sprawled out, wiping tears with the back of my hands like a little kid. I was just so exhausted. Elizabeth asked, mommy ok? Mommy sad? She patted my arm, held my hand, wiped my tears, kissed my cheek, and gave me hugs. She brought me iPad and played the Veggie Tales and danced to the music. She made me laugh and I felt better.

Joshua is off next week. I hope everything will be ok. I think he tends to be little lost not doing his routines like going to school and can be very upset. He likes to go out and be under the sun and take a walk or do something, and I’m not able to do that for him can be very frustraing for both of us. Joshua is very well mannered and behave good most of the time, but once he starts to throw fits, it gets very difficult. One thing I’m worried is him taking his diaper off especially whenhe he poops. He started potty training at school, but its not safe to take his diapers off all day when I’m home alone with him. I mean I can take him to the potty every certain time, but its the pooping part. I can’t even take him to therapies, because the hospital needs a new evaluation and his school is asking 900 to 1800 dollars.

I asked Jays to take the half day off today, so he did. He took Elizabeth out right now for ice cream. Elizabeth needed that. Just going out with her daddy.

Jays is still looking around for the building to rent to open up our business but not being there physically isn’t so easy. I hoped Jays stays until January, but I think that’s sorta unrealistically with snow and stuff. I really don’t want to be here alone just with kids. I know how its going to be with being with my mom for few weeks. She made too much of sceens when both of my kids were born. She let people to come whenever and see the baby and stuff and nagging me about everything. I know our relationship will be much better once we live apart.

Belly cramps…

Also, thank you for all the notes and for coming back to note again even though I’m not so good with writing back. 🙂