Tetelestai
Hopefully, if there are those who know what that word means, they won’t think it’s too blasphemous for me to use it. (For the unacquainted, it is the Koine Greek word for one of Jesus’ last phrases as He hung on the cross. It means, “It is finished.”
Of course, the word had other uses, and I wouldn’t mean to suggest that what I’ve endured even remotely approaches Jesus’ work on the cross. (How’s that for a disclaimer?)
I often wonder though, how Jesus would do at Seminary, and what He would think about taking the time to learn all the stuff seminarians are forced to learn.
At any rate, the semester is over. I turned in my last paper today. All three of my final exams ended up being harder than I expected, which wasn’t exactly the most pleasant surprise, but luckily, I didn’t really need good grades on them to preserve my B’s. Most likely, I’ll end up in the 3.0 range again, which is where I ended up last semester as well. *shrugs* I’ll take it. As most of the people who I know that have completed Seminary seem to say, it’s not about the grade on the paper, it’s the depth of work that you do with the material that is presented to you. Such as it is, I’m not complaning. Processing and thinking isn’t something I normally have a difficult time getting myself up to do.
It’s been a long year. I sit here at my laptop tonight amazed at the sheer volume of work that’s been done. I’m in the process of posting my papers on the internet on my Comcast webpage, so that people can see what I’ve been up to. I’m not sure I’m going to post the address of that site here, just because the information in the papers in the form in which they are currently in would give people too much information about me. I’m comfortable with the idea that no one would want to find out about me from what they found on this diary, but I’m not comfortable with putting too much information about my particulars on the internet as of yet. If you’re interested, let me know in a private note where I can get a hold of you, and I’ll send you the URL. *shrugs*
I leave to go back to Wisconsin on Monday, sometime in the midday. I don’t really know how to feel about it right at this moment. I’m glad for the chance to go home, but I fear going home in my current state…there are some people who are going to see things I don’t mean for them to, and there seems to be very little I can do about it. It seems abundantly clear at this point that the walls I’ve built are basically destroyed. It’s only a question of what they will be replaced with now, if anything. I don’t know how to feel about that. I have the feeling I’m going to take some wounds this summer. In fact, it’s more than a feeling. (Which reminds, me I should have included that song in my list to Speed by…I feel an edit coming on) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I’m going to take some wounds. Here’s hoping I deal with it alright. Going home, back to where things used to make sense, sort of, will be interesting. I’ve had to forge a completely new life and a new definition of who I am by moving out here. I’ll be interested to see how quickly, if at all, I fall back into my old patterns. I don’t expect too many folks will notice the difference, and I’m to the point now where I don’t particularly care one way or the other. Let people believe what they want–it’s not like I can change what they think anyways.
I’ve been praying that I don’t say or do anything stupid while I’m home this summer. There are a number of things I could go off about, and I’ll have the opportunity now, coming back, people are sure to ask me what I think of these things, and I’m just going to have to keep my yap shut. It will be interesting to see. We’ll see how much I’ve learned this year about keeping my mouth shut. It would be a monumentally bad time to rock the boat for me. I think I’m going to adopt the “go along to get along” philosophy while I’m home. I know there are those of you who think it’s cowardly, and if you have to believe that I’m a coward for doing it, that’s your right. But before you judge me too harshly, please remember you probably don’t have the slightest idea of the situations I’m talking about. Take that into consideration, please. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. I’m sure little brother is going to have some questions for me, and he won’t be the only one.
I look forward to seeing my friends and family. I’ve missed them more than I’ve been willing to admit to this point. I just plain didn’t let myself think about it while I’ve been here…there were other things that I had to do. I didn’t really have a choice. It will feel good to cross back over the Illinois/Wisconsin border. In my mind, I think I already feel like the conquering hero. (Let’s not share that with the general public, ok?) I have crossed a serious set of mountains in moving here. I stared every fear I’ve had about my life in the ministry right in the eyes, and I didn’t flinch. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say I’ve thrived here. When mom and grandma came to visit to last fall, mom said it, and it’s been in the back of my mind since, “You never belonged in [our hometown]. The city has always called to you. You belong here, in this environment.” At the time, it was a painful thing to say, but in retrospect, I’m not sure she’s wrong. In the same token, I think I’m built just as well for the country. I love the open fields and the forests. I think I could succeed anywhere. I don’t say that to be conceited, so please don’t read it that way. All I mean to say is that with my introverted nature, and easily amused personality, it doesn’t take a lot to keep me happy. A library of books and my CD’s are really all I need aside from a vehicle to write–either paper or a computer.
I hope to get some time with my guitar this summer. I finally found a song that I can play that is easy enough that I should be able to play and sing at a coffee house if the occasion should ever arise. The added bonus is that I don’t think too many people I know know the song, so hopefully, I’ll be able to surprise some folks, if I can get it learned and down in time. We’ll have to see. I’m going to have a busy summer.
Well, the packing and cleaning process continues, friends. I may not post again before I leave on Monday, so if I don’t, blessings to you all.