A Page Is Turned
Mood: Distraught-Nearly beyond consolation, Angry, Frustrated, Upset, Unstable, Tired, Weary, etc.
Music: A Page Is Turned, Bebo Norman
Today has been one of those days.
Last night, I went to bed at 4AM after a night of avoiding thinking about stuff, using studying as a method of avoidance. This morning, at 6:28, I awoke to the sound of our lawn being mowed. I had an exam at 8:00 this morning. Not good times, bad times.
Traffic sucked. Big time. Something about spring in Denver. Apparently a city planner downtown plotted my house on his maps, and then catalogged EVERY FREAKING WAY FOR ME TO GET TO SCHOOL FROM THERE AND PUT EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY, FREAKING ROAD BETWEEN ME AND SCHOOL UNDER CONSTRUCTION. That is only slightly more annoying than the fact that they started construction on the street I live on this past Sunday, JUST IN TIME FOR EXAMS!!!! I hate everything.
Well. That’s not quite true. I don’t hate everything. There are exactly 4 things I don’t hate. Don’t ask me what they are, I’m not sure I could tell you, and the thought of having to remove one of the four and be left with only three is more than I could take right now.
The exam this morning was bad. I’m not going to say it was impossible, but I would have had a better chance if I hadn’t studied. Luckily, I didn’t really need this exam to preserve my B, so that at least hasn’t fallen apart.
After the exam, I was coerced into to being social, and I went to breakfast with a couple of girls from the Seminary who I’ve kind of started hanging out with occasionally. Invariably, the conversation turned to my relationship history, for some reason, it’s what girls seem to want to know about me when they meet me in person. So, I kind of glossed over the whole thing, and the young women then tried to convince me that if I kept my optimism (if they only knew), that sooner rather than later, I’d find a woman worth waiting for. (comment withheld)
Then I had my spiritual formation group. That was alright as well. I had a chance to see some friends and stuff for the last time before the end of the semester. We brainstormed a new kind of Seminary, kind of geared for the postmodern–something more experiential than scholastic. It was awesome. That’s been the highlight of the day. I turned in my integrative reports, including the one about the pride stuff I’ve been working on this semester.
We had been planing to go to the Rockies game tonight. Yesterday, it was like 65 and decent. Now, it’s 39 and snowing flakes the size of my fist. I hate this weather. I was looking forward to doing something other than school today. I mean really looking forward to it. So much for that. Another night at home it is. That’s alright, because I can’t really afford to do anything anyways.
Early this afternoon, I went to lunch with a couple of friends from the Seminary. One of the folks, one of the same young ladies I went to breakfast with was there. About half way through the conversation, somehow, she started asking all these relationship questions, and all of a sudden, I’m exposed. I’d been giving the same standard answers I always give, with no particular attention given to them. Then she asks me a question that cut to the heart of the whole thing, “Are you ashamed or guilty? Who are you trying to protect?” I answered as best I could. She read my eyes, and I watched her mist up. She’s an eye reader. And I didn’t know it. I hadn’t been paying attention. All the signs were there, and I missed it entirely, until she’d already seen way too much. But she almost started crying, right there. We ended the conversation, and I’ve been home trying to assess the damage. As part of that process, I talked with some people who I shouldn’t have in this state. Goodness gracious, what’s next? I’m going to take a nap. Maybe a little sleep will help. Something better.