Fourteen Ways To Surrender.
It’s evening. I’m sitting here with my chamomile tea. I’m reflecting. It’s been an interesting week so far.
I’ve gotten A LOT of work done so far this week. The strange part of that is, though it’s clear I’ve got a lot done, somehow there is still a ton of work to do. Apparently, the last few weeks weren’t going to be as easy as I thought a few weeks ago. Such is life. I should’ve known better.
I spent an hour on the phone with the DMV in Wisconsin and with my insurance company. I’m happy to report that my car is still in fact licensed and that it is still insured. Should it really have taken an hour to make sure that stuff was in place? I don’t know.
I played phone tag with some people at my denomination HQ about an upcoming training event. That’s all taken care of. Just another thing to mail before the week is out.
My money situation still stinks, though I think I might actually make it through this until I can get back home. *shrugs* Somehow, I wish money meant more to me and I cared less about it. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I just wish that money wasn’t such a big deal to folks. I’ll be in debt probably every day of my life from here on out, barring some kind of unforeseen windfall, and while I’m pretty much resigned to it, there is a part of me that is still bothered by it. I wish I loved my toys less. Still, I’m learning. Pull the hooks of materialism long set in your craw takes time. Luckily, I’ve got some of that, if I’m guessing right.
I’m trying to frantically prepare for the last big rush of work before exams start in about a week and a half. I should be able to get everything done. Thank the Lord I’ve got one prof. this semester who has said point blank that he doesn’t care about when we turn the work in, so long as it all gets done. That’s good news, to be certain. I’ve still got 3 3 page papers and a five pager left. All of them are due by next Friday, at the very latest. I’ve got a few books to read, well, finish up before the end of the semester too. Accursed reading reports! Oh well.
In the same token, I’m also trying to get myself into position for the work I’m going to do this summer. I’ve got some reading that is required for the training session I’ve signed up for at the end of this month, and I’ve got reading to do for the summer school I’ve got between now and then. All of that stuff is before the end of June. Then there is the preparations to attend all the weddings and stuff this summer. Those should be fun, but now I’m debating about whether or not I should take a date to one of them, and of course, that creates a whole other set of issues, as you might well expect. That decision, I think, is made–I’ll fly solo. *shrugs*
I’ve been remarkably focused, as well. There is some stuff going on that could potentially throw me off, but I’ve been somehow staying away from thinking about it too much. Don’t ask me how, because nothing has really changed in terms of my point of view. The only thing I can figure out is that I’ve finally decided to be honest with myself and kind of admit where I stand, what is going on with me spiritually, emotionally, physically, and so on. I’ve made my peace with myself. The reality of that required that I take down my guard and just be what I’ve always been. Yesterday, it all kind of culminated. I had a very productive day, but also a day where I couldn’t get into my car and listen to a song without weeping. I’m not sure what the deal is, because that’s very unlike me, but I think it has something to do with the idea that I’m relieved to stop having to hide from people. In other, unrelated news, be careful if you ask me from now on what is up with me in a specific arena…you might get more than you bargained for. I’m not sure how open I am yet. I’m guessing it will be an adjustment process. *shrugs again*
Coming clean with yourself is a tough thing. Never doubt it. I’ve been lucky though, the issues with which I’m coming clean about are more pleasant than some of the possible ones, and so though it’s a shot to my pride to come clean and admit to myself my real status, it hasn’t been unpleasant in terms of the external circumstances, always a bonus. It’s a more gentle way to be honest with yourself than burning down the walls around you. Thank God. (seriously.)
It is also comforting to find people who have things in common with you and feel the same way you do about things. That’s a big help when it comes time to come clean. Unlike coming clean to someone who doesn’t understand you or think about things in a similar way, there is an understood compassion with people who think about things the same way you do. Still, I might have to seek some counseling at some point before I leave the Seminary. Just sounds like a good idea. The best case scenario is that they tell me that I’m normal, and I don’t need counseling. The worst case scenario is that there is some stuff going on, and it gets taken care of. Either way, I win. (And I have to believe my future ministry will benefit as well, if I’m at peace with stuff.)
I’m still a little fearful about going home for the summer, but I guess it’s all how you look at it. I’m trying to be a bit more optimistic and look for the good things instead of imagining every bad thing that could happen. Maybe that will help a little bit. A spoon full of sugar….
Again, I ask the question: Why isn’t sugar spelled shugar?
Well, the chamomile is taking effect, and that can only mean one thing: some QT with my pillow. Blessings all. Have a pleasant day.