Process of Elimination.

When I was 17, I was anticipating trying to decide where to go to college.  That summer, I bought an enormous stinking United States map, and whenever I got a letter from a college, I numbered and filed the brochure, and then gave the brochure a number.  I then pushed a stick pin into the US map at the location of the college with the number of the corresponding letter, and then recorded by state where I could find the brochure.  After I ran through the possible choices several times in my head, listing off my preferences, I got a couple of letters from the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater.  It was, for various reasons, the absolute last place in the world I wanted to go.  In fact, I was so opposed to going, that I didn’t even take the time to file or number the letters of the school or number it on the map.  I simply would not be going there.  As the autumn came and passed, I went to my basement often to look at the map.  And I would just stare at it, the raw possibilities of every one of those stick pins goading me.  I was so bothered by the map, that it actually paralyzed me from making a decision.  I went through a couple of stages. I wanted to go to Arizona State for a while.  Then, it was Nebraska.  I considered a couple of smaller Christian schools.  I ran through the process in my head of what a life there might look like.  And I never sent in any applications. 

Finally, about January, I realized if I didn’t start doing something soon, I wouldn’t be going to college at all.  I filled out a bunch of apps, but only mailed one–to the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater.  You see, I had so many rules for myself for what I required from a school, and knowing that I would go to Seminary after I graduated and perhaps never use the degree I’d earn at all, I had to do some heavy soul searching.  I’d made all these ridiculous rules for myself that defined what I could and couldn’t have in a college, and in the end, it ruled everything else out and I settled for going to the school closest to me because it was cheap and familiar.  It was a cliche, but I’d made so many rules against risking a move elsewhere, that it was the only thing left to me.

It strikes me that how I selected my college wasn’t the only time I’ve ruled myself into a corner.  I don’t want to go into all the different instances where I do this all the time, but let me say this:  I analyze things too much.  I just plain think to much, and because I refuse to believe anything good about myself or anyone else, I’ve confined myself to this narrow little life of comfortable adherence to my ridiculous rules.  I can’t promise you that I’ll throw the shoulders off of this today, but rest assured, oh hallowed reading audience, I’ll be looking at ways I can make myself stop and just do what I’m supposed to do, when I’m supposed to do it.  That’s all for now. I’m going to bed, right after I do a little reading.

PS…I’m also testing out a theory over the course of this weekend.  I might have to give up being over-analytical, but it doesn’t mean I have to suspend my logic.  We shall see how successful my predictive skills are by Monday morning.